• Author / Uploaded
• Josh Weston Cohen

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Act I Scene 1

[Fanfare. The Hill Cumorah, day. The stage lights come on and two men are shown onstage, with rays of sun shining on them. A third man stands between them, unlit]

Narrator:

Long ago, in the Year of Our Lord 326 A.D., a great prophet is leader of the Nephite people in ancient upstate New York. His name... is Mormon. [lights shine on the third man and he is now visible. He's carrying two golden plates]

Mormon:

I... am Mormon. My people sailed here from Israel to create a new civilization. These golden plates tell of our people and how we met with... Jesus Christ. [genuflects to the man on his left]

Jesus:

I... am Jesus. Take care of your golden plates, Mormon, for soon, your entire civilization will be gone and nobody will remember you. [exit]

Narrator:

Just before the Nephite people were wiped out, Mormon gave the plates to his son, Moroni. [Moroni takes the plates and Mormon exits.]

Moroni:

I... am Moroni, the last of my kind. I shall bury the golden plates, father, and perhaps one day someone very special will find them.

Narrator:

And lo, Moroni buried the golden plates high on a hill. [Fade out as Mormon leaves, fade in moments later] Centuries later the golden plates were found, giving birth to the fastest-growing religion today! A Church that even now sends missionaries out all over the world! [a Mormon comes out in dim light and rings a doorbell, and he gets the spotlight]

Scene 2

[The missionary training center, Salt Lake City, Utah. It starts out without light, but a light comes on with each entering Mormon missionary]

Price:

[Ding Dong] Hello, my name is Elder Price, and I would like to share with you the most amazing

book. Grant:

[Ding Dong] Hello, my name is Elder Grant. It's a book about America a long long time ago.

Price:

[A third Mormon rings a doorbell] It has... so many awesome parts. [the third Mormon rings the doorbell again] You simple won't believe how much this book can change your life. [the third Mormon rings the doorbell twice]

Green:

[the third Mormon] Hello, my name is Elder Green. [the fourth Mormon rings a doorbell] I would like to share with you this book of Jesus Christ. [the fifth Mormon rings a doorbell]

Young:

[the fourth Mormon] Hello, my name is Elder Young.

Harris:

Hello.

Young:

Did you know that Jesus lived here in the USA? [the sixth Mormon rings a doorbell]

Grant:

You can... read all about it now.

Cross:

Hello

Grant:

In this nifty book. It's free! No, you don't have to pay.

Young:

Hello!

Smith:

[Ding Dong] Hello, my name is Elder Smith, [Ding Dong] and can I leave this book with you for you to just peruse?

Brown:

Hello! [Ding Dong]

Green:

Hello.

Harris:

Hello.

Smith:

I'll just leave it here. [Ding Dong] It has a lot of information you can really use.

Price:

[Ding Dong Ding Dong] Hello.

Harris:

Hi.

Price:

My name is-

Green:

Jesus Christ!

Grant:

You have a lovely home.

Cross:

Hello.

Grant:

It's an amazing book.

Smith:

[Ding Dong] Bonjour!

White:

Hole!

Harris:

Ni Hao!

White:

Me llamo Elder White.

Grant:

Are these your kids?

Green:

This book gives you the secret to eternal life.

Cross:

Sound good?

Elders:

Eternal life-

Green:

With Jesus Christ

Elders:

-is super fun.

White:

Hello.

Young:

Ding Dong.

Elders:

And if you let us in we'll show you how it can be done.

Grant:

No, thanks!

Green:

You sure?

Grant:

Oh well.

Green:

That's fine. [Ding Dong]

Grant:

Goodbye.

Green:

Have fun in hell.

Grant and Cross:

Hey now!

Elders:

You simply won't believe how much this book will change your life

Cunningham:

[the tenth Elder, comes up and presses a buzzer] Hello,

would you like to change religions? I have a free book written by Jesus! Superior:

Nooo, nooo Elder Cunningham! That's not how we do it! You're making things up again. Just stick to the approved dialogue. Elders, show him!

Elders:

Hello.

Cunningham:

Hello!

Elders:

My name is

Cunningham:

Elder Cunningham!

Elders:

And we would like to share with you this book of Jesus Christ.

Price:

Hello.

Green:

Hello.

Grant:

Ding Dong.

White:

Hi ho.

Smith:

Just take this book.

Price:

It's free.

Young:

For you.

Harris:

From me!

Grant:

You see?

Elders:

You simply won't believe how much You simply won't believe how much this book will change your life So you won't burn in

Price:

Hello!

Elders:

Hello. You're gonna die some day, but if you read this book you'll see that there's another way. You'll spend eternity with friends and family. We can fully guarantee you that This book will change your life. Hello! This book will change your life. Hello! This book will change your life.

Will change- This book will change your life. The Book of Mormon! Hello!! Superior:

All right, elders, all right! That was very good indeed! [the elders react positively] You have been training for two years and you are now ready to go out and spread the Word. [they briefly cheer] In a moment you will be assigned your mission companions and locations.

Price:

Oh boy, this is it guys, this is it!

Young:

I can't believe the day is finally here! We're gonna get to go out and see the world!

Smith:

Do you have any idea where they're sending you, Elder Price?

Price:

Well of course we don't really have final say over where we get sent, but... I have been praying to be sent to my favorite place in the whole world,

Grant:

Oh, well if you prayed for a location, I'm sure Heavenly Father will make it happen. You're like the smartest, best, most deserving elder this center has ever seen.

Price:

Aw come on guys. [the other elders walk off] The most important time of a Mormon kid's life is his mission. A chance to go out and help heal the world, that's my mission Soon I'll be off in a different place helping the whole human race I know my mission will be something incredible!

Superior:

Elders, [the elders take notice] form a line, [they form a line side by side] and step forward when your name is called. Elder Young

Young:

[jumps forward] Yes sir!

Superior:

Your mission brother will be... Elder Grant.

Grant:

That's me! Hey brother! [they embrace each other]

Superior:

And your mission location is... Norway.

Young:

Oh wow! Norway!

Grant:

Land of gnomes! And trolls!

Grant and Young:

Hoo-wah! Hey-yah! Shoo-wah! Zala Wow! Two by two, we're marching door to door. 'Cause God loves Mormons and he wants some more. A two-year mission is our sacrifice We are the army of the Church of Jesus Christ ...of Latter-Day Saints!

Elders:

Two by two, and today we'll know Who we'll make the journey with and where we'll go We're fighting for a cause but we're really nice We are the army of the Church of Jesus Christ ...of Latter-Day Saints!

Superior:

Elder White and Elder Smith.

Smith:

Oh! I knew we'd get paired together!

Superior:

Your location will be... France!

White:

France! Land of ...crêpes and berets!

Smith and White:

Two by two, I guess it's you and me We're off to preach across land and sea

White:

Satan has a hold of France!

Smith:

We need to knock him off his perch!

Elders:

We are the soldiers of the army of the Church ...of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints!

Superior:

Elder Cross and Elder Green, you will be serving in... Japan.

Green:

Oh, Japan!

Cross:

Land of soy sauce!

Green:

And Mothra!

Superior:

Elder Harris and Elder Brown.

Price (Elders):

Heavenly Father, where will I go on my mission (on my mission)? Will it be China or Old Mexico on my mission (mission)? It could be San Fran by the bay, Australia where they say

"G'day", but I pray I'm sent to my favorite place: Orlando (Orlando) I love you Orlando. Sea World and Disney and putt putt golfing! Superior:

Elder Price.

Price:

Yes sir!

Superior:

Your brother will be... Elder Cunningham.

Cunningham:

That's me! That's me! Hello!

Price:

Oh, hi.

Superior:

And your mission location is... Uganda. [the music stops abruptly and a horn blows a flat note]

Price:

Uganda.

Cunningham:

Uganda?? Cool... Where is that?

Superior:

Africa!

Cunningham:

Oh boy! Like Lion King!

Elders:

Two by two, and now it's time to go Our paths have been revealed, so let's start the show Our shirts are clean and pressed and our haircuts are precise We are the army of the Church We are the army of the Church We are the army of the Church of Jesus Christ! [bridge] Two by two we march to victory (Two by two we march) armed with the greatest book in history We'll convert everyone all across the planet Earth. That is the beauty of, the essence of, the purpose of, the mission of the soldiers of the army of the Church Of Jesus Christ ...of Latter-Day Saints.

Superior:

All right, elders, all right! Go home and pack your things. Tomorrow, your missions begin. [the other elders leave]

Cunningham:

[waves after them] Bye you guys! [turn to Price] I am so

stoked we got paired together, Elder Price. Price:

Oho, me too. [somewhat disappointed] This is... fantastic!

Cunningham:

You know what? I prayed to Heavenly Father that we would get paired together. [puts up his right hand and Price leans in thinking Cunningham is going to whisper something in his ear, but leans out immediately] He really does listen!

Price:

He answered your prayers?

Cunningham:

Yup, my mom said "if Heavenly Father is proud of you, he'll always give you what you ask." You and me for two years in Ukuhanda! This is gonna be awesome!

Price:

Yes, well, if we have the Book of Mormon, it'll do those Africans a lot of good. [Cunningham cackles, then walks to Price's left side and walks away slowly]

Cunningham:

Well, see you tomorrow, companion. [Price takes his leave, but stops when Cunningham speaks again] Tomorrow is a Latter Day! [they both exit]

Scene 3

[The airport, next day. The missionaries bid farewell to their families. First Price bids farewell]

Price's Father:

Goodbye, son. We're so proud of you.

Price's Brother:

Wow, I can't believe Kevin is going to Africa for two years... I'm gonna miss my brother so much

Price:

Aw I know. I'm gonna miss you guys too. [aside to his father] Hey, maybe we should see if there's any way I could get transferred someplace a little bit closer to home, like uh... Florida, or...

Price's Father:

Nooo, don't worry, son. Heavenly Father has a hand in everything. He knows what's best. He always knows.

Price:

You're right, dad. I'm sure I'm gonna have an amazing time. [Cunningham bids farewell while munching away on snacks and sipping water from a bottle his mom is holding]

Cunningham's Father:

Alright son, just remember: do whatever Elder Price does.

He is a great Mormon, and you, well, you're a... great follower. Cunningham:

Right! I'm a follower.

Cunningham's Father:

Elder Price seems like a wonderful boy, Arnold!

Cunningham:

Uh... oh, he is. We're gonna have the most amazing time together. It's like, like I'm finally gonna have a best friend.

Cunningham's Father:

Ohoho, well, just remember what we talked about with regards to your little problem.

Cunningham:

Oh don't worry Dad, my little problem is "in check." It's not gonna be an issue.

Price:

[walks up] What's the little problem?

Cunningham's Father:

Oh, nothing ???. He uh ju-, well, he has a very active imagination.

Cunningham:

I lie a lot!

Cunningham's Father:

No! It's just he sometimes makes things up when he doesn't know what else to say.

Cunningham:

Bishop Donahue said it's because I have no self-esteem and desperately want to fit in with by my peers.

Price's Father:

Well alright everybody, I think it's time we leave these two to their work. [to the new companions] Boy you boys have a lot of catching up to do now that you're companions. This is it, elders. You're heading... to Africa. [the families step away as a woman comes in doing an African song similar to the opening to The Circle of Life. When she's done, the families return] Well how did you like that, boys? A real Lion King send-off. We got Mrs. Brown to sing like an African for you.

Price:

Thanks, Dad. [to Mrs. Brown] That was great!

Mrs. Brown:

Well, good luck in Africa, boys! I've never been, but I hear it's a HOOT!

Cunningham's Father:

[hugs his son one more time] Well, goodbye, son, and please be careful.

Price's Father:

[grabs Price's upper arms] Now you get out there and you baptize those Africans, boy! [a last round of goodbye

and the families leave] Price:

Bye, Mrs. Brown!

Mrs. Brown:

Bye, baby.

Scene 4

[In flight. The two elders get on a plane and find their seats]

Cunningham:

Well? This is you and me now, companion.

Price:

Yup, that's right, elder.

Cunningham:

From this point on, according to Rule #72, we are never allowed to go anywhere without each other. Except the bathroom.

Price:

Yes, that's right.

Cunningham:

This is so awesome! Because all my friends always end up leaving me, but you can't! [cackles several times. Price looks away and Cunningham slaps Price's lap to get his attention] Okay, favorite movies: Are you a Star Wars guy or are you a Star Trek guy? [jabs Price on the left shoulder] I wanna know everything about you. Personally I like Star Wars, but I'm willing to like Star Trek if you think it's better.

Price:

Okay Elder, uh... Look, I like to have fun just as much as the next guy, you know, but um, look, things are different now. We are men. This is our time to prove that we are worthy.

Cunningham:

Worthy of what?

Price:

Of everything we've been promised in the afterlife I've always had the hope that on the day I go to heaven Heavenly Father will shake my hand and say "You've done an awesome job, Kevin." Now it's our time to go out-

Cunningham:

My best friend

Price:

-to set the world's people free. And we can do it together, you and me, but mostly me! [stands up, then tugs at Cunningham to stand up too] You and me (but mostly me_, are gonna change the

world forever. 'Cause I can do most anything. Cunningham:

And I can stand next to you and watch. [Price nods vigorously]

Price:

Every hero needs a sidekick, every captain needs a mate.

Cunningham:

Aye -aye!

Price:

Every dinner needs a side dish

Cunningham:

On a slightly smaller plate

Price, Cunningham:

And now we're seeing eye to eye! It's so great we can agree That Heavenly Father has chosen you and me

Price:

Just mostly me. [the spotlight squeezes Cunningham out of view] Something incredible. I'll do something incredible I wanna be the Mormon who changed all of mankind

Cunningham:

My best friend.

Price:

It's something I've foreseen, and now that I'm 19 I'll do something incredible that blows God's freaking mind!

Price, Cunningham:

And as long as we stick together

Cunningham:

And I stay out of your way.

Price:

Out of my way.

Cunningham:

We'll change the world

Price, Cunningham:

Forever

Cunningham:

And make tomorrow a Latter Day!

Price:

Mostly me!

Cunningham:

So quit thinking about it

Price, Cunningham:

And do it. How ready and psyched are we? And life is about to change for you And life is about to change for me

And life is about to change for you and me Cunningham:

But me mostly And there's no limit to what we can do... Me and you. But mostly... ME! [Cunningham looks at Price admiringly and rests his arms on his suitcase handle. They head back to their seats and finish the flight]

Scene 5

[Kitguli, northern Uganda. As the natives go about their business, Price and Cunningham get off a bus.]

Cunningham:

Well, looks like we made it, huh? [whips out his camera and starts filming]

Price:

Yeah, that was... that was one long trip.

Cunningham:

I'll say! Here we are in Kitguli, Uganda, and what do you think of Uganda, helper?

Price:

Well, um, I think it's really different!

Cunningham:

Yeah, it's different. [they both laugh]

Guard 1:

[emerges from the milling crowd] Yeah yeah! What have we here, maybe German?! British?! [Price waves at him] Oh. American.

Price:

Hello sir. Uh, we're here to see Mister Mafala Hatimbi.

Guard 1:

Yeah. Your bags! [he opens Price's suitcase while his assistant opens Cunningham's. They both start rifling through the contents]

Price:

Oh uh, sir, we don't have anything illegal in there, sir. Uh, we're from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Cunningham:

[pointing the camera at the guards] Here are some men with guns searching through our bags.

Guard 2:

Shut up! [takes Cunningham's camera and puts it in the suitcase. Cunningham puts up his arms and shrieks] We take these bags!

Price:

What?

Guard 1:

This is your tariff... to the general!

Price:

The, the general? Can I get one thi-

Guard 1:

[aims his semiautomatic at him] You shut the fuck up! You want to die?!

Price:

Omigosh! Okay-

Cunningham:

Just take the bags!! Why are you doing this?! [the two guards put away their weapons and leave with the bags]

Mafala:

[enters and grabs hands - Cunningham's left hand and Price's right hand] Ah, there you are! I have been looking all over for you. I am Mafala Hatimbi. I have been hired to show you to your building.

Price:

Look, some men just took our bags.

Mafala:

You must be very careful around here. [lets go of their hands] Now let's get going! [jogs away. Price and Cunningham follow]

Price:

Uh no, uh, shouldn't you call the police and see if we can get our bags back?

Mafala:

Oho, the police... [laughs] The police are in Kampala, two days' drive away.

Price:

There's a lot of really important stuff in those bags.

Mafala:

Oh well, hasa diga eebowai.

Cunningham:

'Scuse me?

Mafala:

In this part of Africa we all have a saying. Whenever something bad happens, we just throw our hands to the sky and say "hasa diga eebowai."

Cunningham:

Hasa diga eebowai?

Mafala:

It's the only way to get through all these troubles. And, there's war! Poverty! Famine! But, having a saying makes it all seem better. There isn't enough food to eat: Hasa diga eebowai. People are starving in the street:

Ugandans:

Hasa diga eebowai.

Women (Men):

Hasa Diga Eebowai! (Hasa Diga Eebowai)

Hasa Diga Eebowai! (Hasa Diga Eebowai) Price:

Well that's pretty neat!

Cunningham:

Does it mean no worries for the rest of our days?

Mafala:

Kind of... We've had no rain in several days.

Ugandans:

Hasa diga eebowai.

Mafala:

And 80% of us have AIDS

Ugandans:

Hasa diga eebowai.

Mafala:

Many young girls here get circumcised. Their clits get cut right off!

Ugandans:

Way oh!

Women:

And so we say up to the sky:

Ugandans:

Hasa diga eebowai.

Women (Men):

Hasa Diga Eebowai! (Hasa Diga Eebowai) Hasa Diga Eebowai! (Hasa Diga Eebowai)

Mafala:

Now you try it! [the other Ugandans laugh raucously] Just stand up tall, tilt your head to the sky, and list off the bad things in your life!

Cunningham:

Somebody took our luggage away:

Ugandans:

Hasa diga eebowai.

Price:

The plane was crowded and our bus was late:

Ugandans:

Hasa diga eebowai.

Mafala:

When the world is getting you down, there's nobody else to blame.

Ugandans:

Way oh! [an Ugandan woman hands her baby over to Price and then joins the others in dance.]

Mafala:

Raise your middle finger to the sky, and curse his rotten name!

Price:

Wait, what? [tries to give the baby back to the woman, but isn't able to, so he turns to address Mafala]

Cunningham:

Hasa diga eebowai. Am I saying that right?

Women:

Hasa diga eebowai.

Price:

[burping the baby] Excuse me, sir, but, but what exactly does that phrase mean?

Mafala:

Well let's see: eebowai means “God”. And hasa diga means "Fuck you." So I guess in English it would be, "Fuck you... God!"

Ugandans:

Hasa diga eebowai!

Price:

What??

Mafala:

When God fucks you in the butt:

Ugandans:

Hasa diga eebowai.

Mafala:

Fuck God right back in his cunt.

Ugandans:

Hasa diga eebowai.

Cunningham:

Hasa diga eebowai. What a nifty phrase.

Ugandans:

Way oh! [Price tries to find the right woman to give the baby back to, and his search gets frantic. He finally finds her and gives the baby back]

Cunningham:

Hasa diga eebowai. Hasa diga eebowai. [gets carried away and Price pulls him aide]

Price:

You have to stop saying that!

Cunningham:

I do?

Price:

It means something very bad.

Cunningham:

What?

Price:

They are saying “F U” to Heavenly Father.

Cunningham:

“F U” to Heavenly Father? Holy moly, I said it like thirteen times!

Women (Men):

[they begin sticking out their middle fingers] Hasa Diga Eebowai! (Fuck you, God!) Hasa Diga Eebowai! (Fuck you, God!)

Price:

Excuse me, sir, but you should really not be saying that.

Things aren't always as bad as they seem. Mafala:

Oh really? Well take this fucking asshole Mutumbo here. He got caught last week trying to rape a baby.

Price:

What?? Why??

Mafala:

Some people in his tribe believe that having sex with a virgin will cure their AIDS. There aren’t many virgins left, so, some of them are turning to babies!

Cunningham:

But that's horrible!

Mafala:

I know!

Ugandans:

Hasa diga eebowai.

Mafala:

Here's the butcher, he has AIDS Here's the teacher, she has AIDS Here's the doctor, he has AIDS Here's my daughter, she has A… Wonderful disposition. She's all I have left in the world. And if either of you lays a hand on her... I will give you my AIDS!

Ugandans:

If you don't like what we say, try living here a couple days. Watch all your friends and family die! Hasa diga eebowai!

Men:

Fuck you!

Ugandans:

Fuck You!

Women:

Hasa diga eebowai! [Price and Cunningham sit on the ground now]

Ugandans:

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

Men (Women):

Fuck you God in the ass, mouth and cunt-uh! (Hasa) Fuck you God in the ass, mouth and cunt-uh! (diga eebowai) Fuck you God in the ass, mouth and cunt-uh! (Hasa)

Ugandans:

Fuck you in the other eye! [Price and Cunningham get

you you you you

God in the ass, mouth and cunt-uh! God in the ass, mouth and cunt-uh! God in the ass, mouth and cunt-uh! in the eye!

up. Mafala begins to dance with Cunningham and Nabulungi begins to dance with Price] Women (Men):

Fuck you, God! (Fuck you, God!) Fuck you, God! Fuck you, God! (Fuck you!)

Ugandans:

Hasa Diga, Fuck You God! In the cunt! [the villagers put up their middle fingers one last time, then leave. Mafala's daughter takes Price and Cunningham to their quarters] Fuck you, God!

Scene 6

[The Mormon missionary living quarters, outside]

Nabulungi:

This is where my father asked me to bring you. The others like you should be inside.

Cunningham:

Thank you very much, Jam ban Chofi.

Nabulungi:

Nabulungi.

Cunningham:

Nam ban Chofi.

Price:

Ah, I'm sorry. We, we really appreciate your help, Nabulungi.

Cunningham:

Oh hey, hey...

Price:

Um, heh, um, um, look, maybe, maybe sometime Elder Cunningham and I could, could talk to you, maybe tell you a little bit about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints? [Cunningham cackles]

Nabulungi:

I, I have to get back to my village, but I am always there if you would like to talk. [walks away, but stops for a moment] Just, just one piece of advice: no matter how hot you get at night, keep your windows closed. It is the only to protect against the scorpions. And the mosquitoes. And the lions. And the murderers and the robbers, and the AIDS, and the snakes and the safari ants which can actually plant their eggs underneath your skin and eat you from the inside out. [waves goodbye and leaves]

Price:

Man elder, can you believe this?

Cunningham:

[already smitten] I know, she is such a hot shade of

black, right? She's like, she's like a latte. Price:

Let's go inside and meet the other elders, alright? [they go inside]

Scene 7

[the Mormon missionary living quarters, inside]

Price:

Hello?

McKinley:

The new recruits are here! [walks up to them and shakes their hands] Welcome Elder Price and Elder Cunningham. I am Elder McKinley, current district leader for this area of the Uganda mission.

Price:

Nice to meet you.

Church:

[walks up to shake their hands] And my name is Elder Church, originally from the great city of Cheyenne, Wyoming.

Michaels:

[walks up to shake their hands] Elder Michaels from Provo.

Thomas:

Elder Thomas, but the elders here all call me Elder PopTart, 'cause I love them so much.

McKinley:

And over there are Elder Neeley and Elder Davis.

Price:

Whoa, that's a lot to remember. [they all laugh. Cunningham cackles]

McKinley:

Let's sit, let's sit [the other elders gather around the couch] Well, we've all been together about three months now, sharing the Word of Christ, saving the souls of the fine Ugandan people through baptism.

Price:

Well uh, how many have you baptized so far?

McKinley:

Well, nearly… nearly one. Call it zero.

Cunningham:

That's practically nothing.

McKinley:

Zero, yes, but there's always hope that tomorrow will be different.

Cunningham:

Right! Because tomorrow is a Latter Day! [Price gets up and walks away, and Cunningham catches up with him.] Hey, are you alright, partner?

Price:

Yeah. I'm just ah... I'm just getting a little confused... right

now, so. McKinley:

Oh, confused. Well elder, that is natural. There are certainly a lot of things here in Uganda that can be... disturbing. But your mission has officially started. Which means you have to do what we have all done. I got a feelin' that you could be feelin' a whole lot better than you feel today. You say you got a problem? Well that's no problem. It's super-easy not to feel that way. When you start to get confused because of thoughts in your head. Don't feel those feelings. Hold them in instead... Turn it off, like a light switch. Just go click. It's a cool little Mormon trick. We do it all the time. When you're feelin' certain feelings that just don't seem right. Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light. And turn them off, like a light switch. Just go bap. Really, what's so hard about that? Turn it off!

Elders:

Turn it off! Right? Okay.

Church:

When I was young my dad would treat my mom real bad every time the Utah Jazz would lose. He'd start a-drinkin' and I'd start a-thinkin' "How am I gonna keep my Mom from getting abused?" I'd see her all scared and my soul was dyin'. My dad would say to me "now don't you dare start cryin'!" Turn it off.

Elders:

Like a light switch. Just go click. It's our nifty little Mormon trick.

McKinley:

Turn it off!

Elders:

Turn. It. Off!

Thomas:

My sister was a dancer, but she got cancer. The doctor said she still had two months more. I thought she had time so I got in line for the [joined by the other elders] new iPhone at the Apple Store. [the other elders fall silent] She lay there dying with my father and mother. Here

very last words were "Where is my brother?" Elders:

Turn it off!

Thomas:

Yeah!

Elders:

Bid those sad feelings adieu.

Thomas:

I fear that I might get cancer too. [the elders laugh, then "...oh", then silence]

McKinley:

When I was in fifth grade I had a friend, Steve Blade (Steve Blade). He and I were close as two friends could be (We could be close...) One thing led to another, and soon I would discover (Wow!) I was having really [joined by the other elders] strange feelings for Steve... I thought about us on a deserted island (We're all alone...). We'd swim naked in the sea, and then he'd try and... [the other elders fall silent] Woah! Turn it off! Like a light switch There it's gone! (Good for you!) My hetero side just won! I'm all better now Boys should be with girls, that's Heavenly Father's plan So if you ever feel you'd rather be with a man – Turn it off!

Price:

Well, Elder McKinley, I think it's okay that you're having gay thoughts. Just so long as you never act upon them.

McKinley:

No, 'cause then you're just keepin' it down. Like a dimmer switch on low... (On low...) Thinking nobody needs to know (Uh oh...) But that's not true! Being gay is bad, but lying is worse. So just realize you have a curable curse, And turn it off! (Turn it off!) Turn it off! [bridge]

Elders:

Turn it off!

McKinley:

Now, how do you feel?

Price:

The same.

Elders:

Awww.

McKinley:

Then you've only got yourself

to blame. You didn't pretend hard enough. Imagine that your brain is made of tiny boxes Then find the box that's gay and CRUSH IT! Okay?! Price:

No, no. I'm not having gay thoughts!

Cunningham:

Alright! It worked!

Elders:

Yay!!! He turned it off! (Turned it off!) Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! Like a light switch Just go 'click'! (Click click!) What a cool little Mormon trick (Trick trick!) We do it all the time!

McKinley:

When you're feelin' certain feelings that just don't seem right (don't seem right) Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light And turn it off!

Elders:

Like a light switch on a cord And now he isn't gay any Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it... Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it... Turn it...

McKinley:

Turn it off! (Off!) [pause as everyone winds down] Alright elders, alright. Our two new missionaries must be exhausted from all their travels. Let's show them their room so they can unpack. A five, six, seven, eight! [McKinley takes them to the room, and the other elders leave]

Scene 8

[the Mormon building, Price and Cunningham's bedroom. McKinley shows them in]

McKinley:

Tada! [two beds are shown onstage]

Cunningham:

All right! Check it out! We get to sleep right next to each other!

McKinley:

Alright elders, get settled in. Now, according to missionary rules, lights out promptly at 10, and we all wake up at exactly 6:30. [Cunningham starts getting

ready for bed] I've heard a lot of great things about you, Elder Price. I'm really hopin' you can... turn things around here. Cunningham:

Hoho, don't worry. We will.

McKinley:

Elders, we're glad you're here. [opens the door, leaves, and closes the door. He starts tap dancing away to his room]

Price:

Heavenly Father, as we prepare to turn in for the night, we ask that you give us the... the strength to spread your wisdom and also, and also the knowledge-

Cunningham:

[interrupts by jumping to Price's side on Price's bed] Do you think Frodo was really the hero of The Lord Of The Rings? Sometimes I think it was actually Samwise that did everything.

Price:

What?

Cunningham:

I mean think about it: Who got the ring back from Gollum? Hm? OH! Samwise. And who pulled Frodo up the side of the mountain just think about however to- I remember now! Samwise! Samwise did it!

Price:

[stands up] Okay um, uh, Elder, I- Maybe we should have some companionship evaluation time.

Cunningham:

[lays back on Price's bed] Oh, yeah!

Price:

[paces slowly around the room] Alright! [begins to undress] Uh, you clearly... have a great passion for uh... for, for things. And, and, and you like to talk about... stuff? Um, I was wondering if maybe uh, the things and stuff you seem to be focusing on are the things and stuff that apply to the reason we are here. Can you do that for me?

Cunningham:

I'd do anything for you! I'm your best friend.

Price:

Well, all right then...let's get some sleep, huh?

Cunningham:

Yeah... Oh yeah [moves back to his bed, settles in, then looks over Price's shoulder after Price settles into his own bed] Sleep now, little buddy, put your cares aside.

Nappy with a happy face, I am by your side. Price:

What are you doing?

Cunningham:

I'm just trying to make you feel better. [stands up.]

Price:

I feel fine. [sits up, and Cunningham joins him at the side of the bed again] But this is what I'm talking about. Your focus needs to be on our WORK. Do you understand how difficult this is gonna be? The missionaries here have yet to baptize a single person.

Cunningham:

Well, if they had already baptized a bunch of people here, then it wouldn't be so incredible when YOU did it, now would it?

Price:

[thinks a moment] I guess. I guess that's sort of true...

Cunningham:

Don't worry. I'm not gonna let you down. Today we're gonna bring lots of Africans to the church. I just know it.

Price:

You know what, Elder? You're alright.

Cunningham:

Really??

Price:

Yeah.

Cunningham:

[grabs Price's blanket and wears it as a cape] Evening star shines brightly, God makes life anew! Sleep now, nghty night! [Price takes his blanket back and covers himself with it] ...and I am here for you.

Price:

I am here for you, too.

Both:

We are here, for us.

Cunningham:

[whispering] Goodnight, best friend! [pats Price on the left cheek]

Price:

Goodnight, pal.

Scene 9

[The Ugandan village, next day. An African song is heard. A man rolls a tire across the stage. Mafala walks out and looks around, then walks away. He returns to look again when Nabulungi appears]

Mafala:

Nabulungi! Where have you been?!

Nabulungi:

Papa, look what I found in the market!

Mafala:

What have I told you about wandering off?! The market is not safe!

Nabulungi:

But Papa, I finally found one. A texting device. [she's holding a typewriter, with paper already in it] Now I can text all of my friends.

Mafala:

[takes the typewriter from her] Listen to me woman! Do not go to the market again! The general is mutilating girls in the next village over!

Nabaluni:

Papa I'm sorry.

Mafala:

Nabulungi, we must be careful. If we want to stay alive, our village needs to lay low and not attract any attention.

Price, Cunningham:

[marching in cheerily] City lights here we go from northern ligh- uh.

Price:

Let's go out and get some placements!

Cunningham:

Right! Uh, what's a placement again?

Price:

[sighs] A placement is getting somebody to take a Book of Mormon. If you give one out, that counts as a placement. Remember?

Cunningham:

Right, I knew that...

Price:

Look, maybe you should just let me do the talking an-and you can sort of support what I'm saying by going "oh wow" and stuff like that.

Cunningham:

Yeah! ...Yeah, like one of those infomercials. You know how they have, how they always have some guy trying to sell something and then, there's always some lady like, standing next to them saying "Oh wow, what an incredible offer!" I'm, I'm like that lady!

Price:

Okay. Yeah! Okay, whatever. [spots a house nearby] Uh, what do you say we just start with this little house, huh? We just walk up like we're at the missionary training center.

Cunningham:

Okay!

Price:

Okay!

Cunningham:

Okay! [they laugh merrily and walk to the house.

Cunningham looks around for a doorbell...] There's no doorbell! [feels like vomiting] There isn't any doorbell! [starts throwing up and Price is trying to calm him down when a woman leaves the house] Kalimba:

What do you want?!

Price:

Oh... Hello ma'am, d- [glances at Cunningham to make sure he's alright, then turns back to the woman] Do you ever feel like there's something missing from your life? [she looks at him quizzically] Um, when you go to sleep at night, do you s-, do you sometimes feel a power stirring inside you?

Gotswana:

Yes. That's how I feel.

Price:

Oh. [abandons the woman] You sir! Come on down here, huh? [the man appears] Do you find yourself asking questions about this feeling?

Gotswana:

Yes.

Price:

And it's because... you want to believe in something, isn't it?

Gotswana:

No. It is because I have maggots in my scrotum.

Cunningham:

YOU GOT WHAT??

Gotswana:

I have maggots in my scrotum. Can you tell?

Price:

Well, uh, you, you, you should probably see the doctor.

Gotswana:

I am the doctor. [Cunningham starts babbling and Price turns and grabs his shoulders]

Price:

Just calm down, calm down! [Cunningham quiets down and Price releases him] I got this. [turns to the doctor and anyone else who would hear] Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to tell you all about a very special book.

Gotswana:

Eh, what kind of book?

Price:

Well, this book tells you how to find Paradise... in Christ.

Nabulungi:

[appears] They've heard of the Bible. We all have.

Cunningham:

[trying to be smooth] Banbanchelfi. Hey girl.

Nabulungi:

People come and tell us about Jesus and his dying for our

sins once a year. Kalimba:

They always come, tell the story, and leave! Nothing is better! Your Bible doesn't work.

Price:

Well of course that didn't work. Those were Christian missionaries. We're Mormons.

Nabulungi:

What's the difference? [Price's face lights up]

Price:

You all know the Bible is made of Testaments Old and New. You’ve been told it’s just those two parts, Or only one, if you’re a Jew. But what if I were to tell you there’s a fresh third part out there, That was found by a hip new prophet, who had a little… Donny Osmond flair? Have you heard of the All-American Prophet? The blond-haired, blue-eyed voice of God? He didn't come from the Middle East like those other holy men, The most blessed Prophet was All-American! I'm gonna take you back to Biblical times: 1823. An American man named Joe livin' on a farm in the holy land of upstate New York!

Cunningham:

You mean the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith?

Price:

That's right! That young man spoke to God!

Cunningham:

He spoke to God?

Price:

And God said "Joe, people really need to know that the Bible isn't two parts! There's a part three to The Bible, Joe! And I, God, have anointed you to dig up this part three that's buried by a tree on a hill in your backyard!"

Cunningham:

Wow! God says go to your backyard and start digging! That makes perfect sense!

Price:

Joseph Smith went up on that hill and dug where he was told! And deep in the ground Joseph found shining plates of gold!

Joseph Smith:

What are these golden plates? Who buried them here and

why? Price:

Then appeared an angel: his name was Moroni!

Chorus:

Ahhhhh...

Moroni (Chorus):

I... am Moroni. The All-American angel! (All-American!) My people lived here long, long ago! (So long ago!) This is a history of my race, please read the words within We were Jews who met with Christ, but we were AllAmerican! But don't let anybody see these plates except for you... They are only for you to see... Even if people ask you to show the plates to them, don't Just copy them onto normal paper Even though this might make them question if the plates are real or not... This is sort of what God is going for...

Price:

Joseph took the plates home and wrote down what he found inside He turned those plates into a book then he rushed into town and cried:

Joseph Smith:

Hey! God spoke to me and gave me this blessed ancient tome He has commanded me to publish it and stick it in ev'ry home!

Cunningham:

Wow! So the Bible is actually a trilogy and the Book of Mormon is Return of the Jedi?! I'M interested!

Price (Chorus):

Now many people didn't believe the prophet Joseph Smith. They thought he made up this part three that was buried by a tree on the hill in his backyard. (Backyard!) Many people even called Joseph Smith a liar. (Liar!) So Joe said,

Joseph Smith:

This is no lie, I speak to God all the time and he told me to head west! So I'll take my part three from the hill with the tree. Feel free if you'd like to come along with me to the promised land! (The promised land?) Paradise, on the west coast! Nothing but fruit and fields as far as the eye can see!

Price:

Joe led his followers across the USA Spreading their new religion to folks along the way They kept searching for that promised land, no promise there would be. And as they passed through every town, the Mormons would decree!

All:

Have you heard of the All-American prophet? He found a brand-new book about Jesus Christ! We're following him to paradise, we call ourselves Mormon And our new religion is All-American!

Cunningham:

Wow, this all sounds so incredibly awesome!

Price:

The Mormons kept on searching for that place to settle down But every time they thought they found it they got kicked out of town And even though people wanted to see the golden plates Joseph never showed 'em!

Gotswana:

I… have maggots in my scrotum!

Price:

Um... okay... Well, anyway... Now comes the part of our story that gets a little bit sad On the way to the promised land, Mormons made people mad Joseph was shot by an angry mob and knew he'd soon be dead And even as his life drained away, he stood by what he said:

Joseph Smith:

You must now lead the people, my good friend Brigham Young You're wise and pure of heart, and, all-American Oh God, why are you letting me die Without having me show people the plates? They'll have no proof I was telling the truth or not They'll have to believe me just...'cause Oh...I guess that's kinda what you were going for Blargggh...

Price:

The prophet Joseph Smith died for what he believed in. But his followers, they kept heading west. And Brigham

Young led them to paradise. A sparkling land in Utah they called Salt Lake City. And there the Mormons multiplied, and made big Mormon families! Generation to generation, until finally: they made me! And now it’s my job to lead you where those early settlers were led long ago! All (Cunningham):

Have you heard of the All-American Prophet! (Kevin Price! The next in line to be the voice of God? (My best friend!) He’s gonna do something incredible, and be Joseph Smith again, ‘cause Kevin Price the prophet is all… all… all... All-American!

Cunningham:

If you order now we'll also throw in a set of steak knives!

All:

All-American! [An Ugandan woman walks up to Price and Nabulungi walks away]

Price:

So? Who would like their very own copy of the Book of Mormon?

Woman:

What the fuck is a steak knife? [walks away. Price to get her back, but decides instead to deal with Cunningham]

Price:

What the heck were you doing?!

Cunningham:

[trembling] Just doing my part, you know, 'cause we're supposed to be a team.

Price:

Well, there's nothing in the Book of Mormon about steak knives!

Cunningham:

I'm, I'm sorry. I've never actually read it.

Price:

You what?

Cunningham:

It's, it's just so boring!

Price:

How could you go on believing that-?

General:

[enters the village] JOMAMOSI! [his guards catch up]

A Woman:

He's here!

General:

What is this?! Some kind of public assembly?! [notices the two missionaries and gestures towards them, then walks over] My name is General Butt Fucking Naked,

leader of the NRA Rebellion and protector! They call me General Butt Fucking Naked, because when I burn your village to the ground, rape your daughters and bath in the blood of your sons, I do it… butt fucking naked. Man:

Here you don't protect anyone! We have not signed up for your rebellion! It is just a gang of thugs who steal and mutilate women for no reason!

General:

For no reason?! [walks up to the man] The clitoris... is an abomination! It's voodoo power... has brought a wrath upon Uganda and it must be cast out!.

Man:

My daughter's body is none of your business! And you are no general!

General:

By the end of the week, all females in this village WILL BE CIRCUMCISED! Or else. [pulls a small gun from his vest and shoots the man point-blank through his forehead. The man falls down and everyone screams and scatters]

Scene 10

[The Hatimbi house, Mafala has turned off all the lights and closed all the windows]

Mafala:

All right, they're all gone. You have to stay indoors, Nabulungi! Keep the lights off, and the windows closed!

Nabulungi:

But Papa, we have to st- help and fight him!

Mafala:

We can't fight against this, Nabulungi! We just have to hope they move on!

Nabulungi:

But Papa... they white boys...

Mafala:

What?

Nabulungi:

They said they know the answers to our problems.

Mafala:

I have to go check on the others!

Nabulungi:

Listen to me, Papa! The Mormons talked about people who were miserable like us, but they all found someplace to go. Somewhere wonderful. I'm going to text them right now and tell them we are interested. [picks up her typewriter and starts typing away]

Mafala:

[takes the typewriter from her] Put that stupid thing down! [sets it down] Just stay inside, and do not open the

door for anyone! [walks out] Nabulungi:

My mother once told me of a place with waterfalls and unicorns flying Where there was no suffering, no pain, where there was laughter instead of dying I always thought she’d made it up to comfort me in times of pain But now I know that place is real, now I know its name Sal Tlay Ka Siti, not just a story mama told But a village in Ooh-tah, where the roofs are thatched with gold If I could let myself believe, I know just where I’d be. Right on the next bus to paradise: Sal Tlay Ka Siti I can imagine what it must be like...this perfect, happy place: I’ll bet the goat meat there is plentiful, and they have vitamin injections by the case The warlords there are friendly, they help you cross the street And there’s a Red Cross on every corner with all the flour you can eat! Sal Tlay Ka Siti, the most perfect place on Earth Where flies don’t bite your eyeballs and human life has worth It isn’t a place of fairy tales, it’s as real as it can be A land where evil doesn’t exist: Sal Tlay Ka Siti And I'll bet the weather is nice there, and I'm sure the streets are clean. And I hope that when I get there, I’ll be able to fit in... Will I fit in? Sal Tlay Ka Siti, a land of hope and joy And if I want to get there, I just have to follow that white boy You were right, mama, you didn’t lie – The place is real, and I’m gonna fly! I’m on my way...soon life won’t be so shitty Now salvation has a name: Sal Tlay Ka Siti

Scene 11

[the Mormon building, inside. One group of elders is studying scripture on the floor, the other group is studying scripture on the couch. McKinley walks in looking agitated]

McKinley:

O M Gosh you guys, I am freaking out!

Davis:

What is it?

McKinley:

I just got off the phone with the zone leader. The mission president wants a written progress report from us THIS WEEK!

Michaels:

A progress report? But we don't have any baptisms.

McKinley:

I know that! What are we gonna do?! [the other elders begin to answer]

Church:

Okay okay okay! Hold on! I mean, maybe we should just...say... we have some baptisms.

McKinley:

What? You mean, lie?

Church:

Well...

Schrader:

Are you an idiot?! Mormons don't lie!

Neeley:

I once told a lie when I was 12 and I had a dream that I went to hell! It was really spooky.

Thomas:

You did? I got the worst hell dreams after the day that my sister died. She-

Neeley:

You guys have the hell dreams too??

McKinley:

Look, we've all had the spooky hell dream, people. I have it nightly! The issue now is what the heck am I supposed to tell the mission president! [Price and Cunningham enter the building, with Price being covered in blood from the man shot moments before]

Church:

[gently pushes other elders aside] Elder Price? What happened to you?!

Price:

Africa... is nothing like The Lion King! I think that movie took a lot of artistic license!

Cunningham:

He's upset because we just saw some guy get shot in the face.

Price:

I can't continue my mission in this way! There's absolutely nothing I can accomplish here!

McKinley:

Elder Price, you cannot lose your cool on me now! We're

about to get evaluated by the mission president! Price:

The mission president... That's it, I need to go talk to the mission president and get transferred! [turns around. Cunningham stops him]

Cunningham:

Buddy! Buddy, I know things seem tough right now, but remember, tomorrow is a Latter Day!

Elders:

Yeah!

Price:

Latter Day doesn't mean tomorrow! It means the afterlife! Reckoning! Latter Day, when, when good people get to go to Heavenly Father and they get everything they've always wanted! I'm out of here!

McKinley:

Hey, HEY! Are you forgetting Rule Number 23?! You may NOT... leave the living quarters after 9 pm!

Price:

To HECK with the rules! I'm not wasting the most important two years of my life! [storms out]

Cunningham:

Hey uh... [follows him out] Hold up, you forgot me!

McKinley:

Elder Cunningham! [] Do you also want to break Rule Number 23?

Cunningham:

Oh no! What am I supposed to do?? According to Rule Number 23, I can't leave the living quarters after curfew! But according to Rule Number 72 I can't leave my companion alone! This is like a Matrix logic trick! Rule 23, Rule 72, Rule 23, [his glasses fly off his face] I CAN'T SEE! [McKinley retrieves his glasses and gives them back to him so he could put them back on] It's been a ???, it's okay. I'm sorry guys, he's MY BEST FRIEND! [runs out after Price and slams the door]

Scene 12

[Away from the Mormon building]

Cunningham:

Elder Price! Hey, come on! We're supposed to be together at all times!

Price:

I can't do something incredible here!

Cunningham:

Okay! Stop, breathe, think! This isn't what you want to do.

Price:

Yes it is!

Cunningham:

Okay! Uhhh, right. If that's what you want to do, then that's what we're doing'. We're transferring. I'm with you-

Price:

I didn't say we're transferring! I said I am.

Cunningham:

Oh I see...

Price:

Look, you and me, we're s- not that compatible, alright?

Cunningham:

Well we only became best friends a few days ago. May-

Price:

And I'm not your best friend!! I just got stuck with you by the missionary training center!! [long pause] I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to say "stuck"... It's just that-

Cunningham:

Eh, yeah, yeah, it's fine.

Price:

I just meant that

Cunningham:

It's, it's alright. I know how it goes. It's really fine. I'll be, I'll be totally fine.

Price:

[suddenly relieved] Yes! Yes, you will be alright. It's just that we... need um... different things.

Cunningham:

Right.

Price:

You know?

Cunningham:

Right, just... different things is all.

Price:

It was really nice meeting you.

Cunningham:

Yeah... You too. Take it easy. [Price leaves, and Cunningham is alone] Evening star shines brightly, God makes life anew! Sleep now, nghty night! I was there for you. [turns right and walks away slowly, sadly]

Nabulungi:

[appearing] ?There you are! Thank goodness I found you. Where is your friend?

Cunningham:

Uh, I don't have any friends.

Nabulungi:

No! I have written Elder Price a text. Here. [hands Cunningham a typewritten letter] It says to please come back to the village. We are ready.

Cunningham:

To do what?

Nabulungi:

To listen to him. I texted everyone that we have to give Elder Price a chance.

Cunningham:

Well I'm sorry, he's requested a transfer.

Nabulungi:

...What is a transfer?

Cunningham:

That means he'll be sent somewhere else.

Nabulungi:

No, he can't leave. We are ready to listen.

Cunningham:

It's too late. He's already made up his mind. [Nabulungi turns away and walks off slowly, but turns around]

Nabulungi:

What about you?

Cunningham:

Me? What?

Nabulungi:

He is gone, but you are still here. You will lead us! Teach us everything about what is in the Book of Mormon!

Cunningham:

Me?? Nooo! Noohoho! I'm a follower.

Nabulungi:

Everyone's waiting. Come back to the village and you will have your listeners. I swear it.

Cunningham:

What did Jesus do when they sentenced him to die? Did he try to run away? Did he just break down and cry? No, Jesus dug down deep, knowing what he had to do – When faced with his own death, Jesus knew that he had to... Man up, he had to man up. So he crawled up on that cross, and he stuck it out. And he manned up; Christ, he manned up. And taught us all what real manning up is about. And now it's up to me, and it's time to man up. Jesus had his time to, now it's mine to man up. I'm taking the reins, I'm crossing the bear – And just like Jesus, I'm growing a pair! I've gotta stand up, can't just clam up. It's time to man up! 'Cause there's a time in your life when you know you've got to man up. Don't let it pass you by there's just one time to man up. Watch me man up like nobody else!

I'm gonna man up all over myself! I've got to get ready: it's time to, time to... What did Jesus do when they put nails through his hands? Did he scream like a girl, or did he take it like a man? When someone had to die to save us from our sins, Jesus said, "I'll do it," and he took it on the chin! He manned up, and manned up. He took a bullet for me and you. That's man up, real man up. And now it's my time to... do it too! Time to be a hero and slay the monster! Time to battle darkness, "You're not my Father!" I'm gonna time to, just watch me go! Time to stand up and steal the show! Time ta, tine ta, time ta, time ta, time ta-a. Nabulungi:

Sal Tlay Ka Siti, a place of hope and joy.

Cunningham:

To man up!

Nabulungi:

And if we want to go there, we just have to follow that white boy.

Cunningham:

Time to!

Price:

Heavenly Father, why do you let bad things happen?

Ugandans:

Ka Lay Ka Siti!

Nabulungi:

Did you get my text?

Price:

I can't believe all the terrible things you let happen!

Ugandans:

Ka-lay-ka Siti, we got your text!

Price:

I don't belong in a place like this!

Cunningham:

Man up!

Price:

Take me back to where things make sense! A place I know where God exists – Orlando!!!

Chorus:

Orlando!

Ugandans:

We will listen to the fat white guy!

Cunningham:

My time to, time to. Now it's my time to, time to!

Ugandans:

But Hasa Diga Eebowai!

Cunningham:

No time to, not time to. Now it's time to, time to!

Ugandans:

Huh!

Cunningham:

I'm in the lead for the very first time!

Ugandans:

Time to!

Cunningham:

I'm home with the people to show me ta-

Ugandans:

Mine to!

Cunningham:

I've got to stand up, get my flippin' can up. It's time to, time ta!

Nabulungi:

(Cunningham: Man up!!) Sal Tlay Ka Siti (Price: Orlando!) Sal Tlay Ka Siti (Cunningham: Man up!! Price: Orlando!) Sal Tlay Ka Siti Sal Tlay Ka Siti Sal Tlay

Cunningham:

It is time to

Gotswana:

...I have maggots in my scrotum! Intermission Act II

Scene 1

[Fanfare. The Hill Cumorah, day.

Narrator:

Indeed, it came to pass that the prophet Joseph Smith discovered the Book of Mormon on golden plates. But what exactly is the Book of Mormon about? It tells of Hebrew tribes that walked in ancient America. The gentle Nephites, and the wicked Lamanites. They fought many great battles, but then, just after his crucifixion, Christ appeared.

Jesus:

I... am Jesus. I've just been crucified on the other side of the world. I only have three days before I am resurrected, but in that time I will preach here to you in America.

Narrator:

And lo, Christ spoke of many things, and the Nephites came forth and wrote the teachings on plates of gold. Plates, that became the Book of Mormon, a book that is

still today read by missionaries all over the world! Scene 2

[The Ugandan village. Elder Cunningham is now preaching to the Ugandans]

Cunningham:

And it came to pass that the Nephites did gather together a great number of men, even to exceed the number of 30,000.

An Ugandan:

Oooo...

Cunningham:

And it came to pass that in the same year they had a number of battles in which the Nephites did beat the Lamanites and did slay many of them

Woman:

...And what the fuck does that mean?

Cunningham:

[softly] It means, you know, you should be nice to each other, or something. [clears his throat and goes back to the book] And lo! The LORD was so displeased with the Lamanites that he caused a cursing to come upon them. And wherefore as they were white and delightsome, the LORD God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them, and God said- [realizes that the people he's preaching to are black too] Uuuuhhhhhhhhhhh... never mind, let's, let's forget that part.

Mafala:

How is this supposed to make things better for us? The general is going to come back, and if he sees us here, we are all dead!

Nabulungi:

Papa, please! We just need to listen.

Middala:

To what?! Three hours we've been listening to him talk about stupid shit that happened on the other side of the Earth thousands of years ago! It has nothing to do with us.

Sadaka:

Yeh! And those Nephites probably didn't even have AIDS to deal with! [the villagers disperse]

Cunningham:

Uh?! Sure they did! Sure they did! Back then people had even worse AIDS! [he has their attention] Yeah! [he gets back to the book] And lo, the LORD said unto the Nephites, "I know you're really depressed, what with all your AIDS, and everything, but there's an answer in Christ."

Nabulungi:

You see? This book can help us.

Cunningham:

I just told a lie... No wait, I didn't lie, I just used my imagination. And it worked!

Cunningham's Dad:

You're making things up again, Arnold.

Cunningham:

But it worked, Dad!

Cunningham's Dad:

You're stretching the truth again and you know it.

Joseph Smith:

Don't be a fibbing Fran, Arnold.

Cunningham:

Joseph Smith?

Cunningham's Dad, Joseph Smith:

Because a lie is a lie.

Cunningham:

It's not a lie!

Cunningham's Dad, Joseph Smith, Conscience:

You're making things up again, Arnold.

Cunningham:

Oh conscience!

Cunningham's Dad, Joseph Smith, Conscience:

You're taking the Holy Word and adding fiction. Be careful how you proceed, Arnold. When you fib, there's a price.

Middala:

Aaaaaah, this is bull shit! The story that I have been told is the way to cure AIDS is by sleeping with a virgin! Ah I'm going to go and rape a baby.

Cunningham:

WHAT? OH MY, NO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! NO!

Middala:

Why not?!

Cunningham:

Because that is definitely against God's will!

Middala:

Says who?! Where in that book of yours does it say anything about sleeping with a baby?! Huh?! Nowhere!

Cunningham:

Uhhh, Behold! The LORD said to the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith, "You shall NOT have sex with that infant!" And lo Joseph said, "Why not, LORD? Huh? Why not?" And the LORD said, "if you lay with that infant, you shall" [makes an explosive sound] burn in the fiery pits ofMordor!

Middala:

Really?

Cunningham:

Uh huh... Uh huh. "A baby cannot cure your illness, Joseph Smith. I shall give unto you a... a FROG." And thus, Joseph laid with the frog, and his AIDS was no more!

All:

You're making things up again, Arnold. You're recklessly morphing the words of Jesus

Hobbits:

You can't just say what you want, Arnold.

Cunningham:

Come on, Hobbits!

All:

You're digging yourself a deep hole

Cunningham:

I'm making things up again, kind of, but this time it's helping a dozen people. It's nothing so bad because this time I'm not committing a sin just by making things up again! Right?

All:

NO!

Nabulungi:

Elder Cunningham, you have to stop him!

Cunningham:

What? What is it?

Nabulungi:

Gotswana is going to cut off his daughter's clitoris.

Cunningham:

Huh??

Gotswana:

This is all very interesting, but the general said that it is because our women aren't circumcised that God has brought this wrath upon us!

Cunningham:

No, doing that to a lady is definitely against Christ's will!

Gotswana:

How do you know?! Christ never said nothin' 'bout no clitoris!

Cunningham:

YE-ESS! YES HE DI-ID! In ancient New York three men were about to cut off a Mormon woman's clitoris... But, right before they did, Jesus had... Boba Fett turn them into frogs!

Gotswana:

Frogs?

Woman:

You mean like the frog that got fucked by Joseph Smith?

Cunningham:

Right. Right, like those frogs. For "a clitoris is holy

amongst all things," said He. Chorus (Ugandans):

You're making things up again, Arnold. (We're learning the truth) You're taking the Holy Word and adding fiction. (The truth about God!) Be careful how you proceed, Arnold (We're going to Paradise!) When you fib, there's a price..

Cunningham:

Who would have thought I'd have this magic touch? Who'd have believed I could man up this much? I'm talkin', they're listenin', my stories are glistenin', I'm gonna save them all with this stuff!

Chorus (Ugandans):

You're making things up again, Arnold. (Elder Cunningham!) You're making things up again, Arnold. (Holy prophet man!) You're making things up again, Arnold. (Our savior!)

Cunningham:

You're making things up again...

Yoda:

Hmm, up again making things you are!

Cunningham:

Arnold...

Scene 3

[Orlando. Elder Price is overjoyed to be there, dancing and singing merrily]

Price:

I'm here! ... This is it! ... I'm here! Orlando! Ah! It's even better than I could've imagined! The streets are clean, the people are happy... Epcot Center. I can see the ball! [carnival music comes up] The funny thing is, I don't really remember getting here. [the music and scenery get darker] Wait, this can't be Orlando. I don't even remember the plane landing. What's happening? Where am I?? [Thunder approaches] I remember this place! Long ago when I was five I snuck in the kitchen late at night And ate a doughnut with a maple glaze My father asked who ate the snack I said that it was my brother Jack

And Jack got grounded for fourteen days I've lived with that guilt all of my life And the terrible vision that I had that night No, please! I don't wanna go back!!! Demons:

Down, down thy soul is cast! From the Earth whence forth ye fell! The path of fire leads thee To spooky Mormon Hell dream! Welcome back to Spooky Mormon Hell dream! You are having A spooky Mormon Hell dream now!

Price (Demons):

And now I've gone and done it again (Rectus!) I committed another awful sin (Dominus!) I left my mission companion all alone (Spookytus!) Oh God, how could I have done this to you? (Deus!) How could I break Rule 72? (Creepyus!) And now my soul hath just been thrown Back into spooky Mormon Hell dream!

Demons:

Down, down to Satan's realm See where you belong! There is nothing you can do No escape from spooky Mormon Hell dream!

Jesus:

You blamed your brother for eating the doughnut, and now you walk out on your mission companion?! Tch… you're a dick!

Price:

Jesus, I'm sorry!

Demons:

Jesus hates you, this we know! For Jesus just told you so!

Skeleton 1:

You remember Lucifer?

Skeleton 2:

He is even spookier!

Satan:

Minions of Hades, have you heard the news? Kevin was caught playing hooky! Now he's back with all you Cath'lics and Jews! It's super spooky-wooky!

Price:

I'm sorry, Lord, it was selfish of me

To break the rules, please I don't wanna be In this spooky Mormon Hell dream! Demons:

Spooky Mormon Hell dream! Genghis Khan, Jeffrey Dahmer, Hitler, Johnnie Cochran Their spirits all surround you! Spooky, spooky, spooky!

Hitler:

I started a war und killed millions of Jews!

Genghis Khan:

I slaughtered the Chinese!

Jeffrey Dahmer:

I stabbed a guy and fucked his corpse!

Johnnie Cochran:

I got OJ free!

Price:

You think that's bad? I broke Rule 72! (*Gasps*) I left my companion and I'm way worse than you! I hate this spooky Mormon Hell dream!

Demons:

Spooky Mormon Hell dream!

Price (Demons):

Oh, Heavenly Father! (Aaa-aaa-aaa-aah) Please give me one more chance! (Aaa-aaa-aaa-aah) I won't break the rules again! (Aaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aah!) No, no more! Please!

Demons:

Spooky Mormon Hell dream Spooky Mormon Hell dream Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [moments later Jeffrey Dahmer brings Price's father to him]

Price:

Dad! Dad! [notices Dahmer fucking his dad from behind] AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH! [begins to dance with the demons] I can't believe Jesus called me a dick!!

Demons:

Welcome, welcome to spooky Mormon Hell dream! You are never waking up from spooky Mormon Hell dream!

Price (Demons):

Oh, please help me Father! (Down, down thy soul is cast) Please let me wake up! (From the Earth whence forth ye fell)

Give me one more chance! (This must be it, you must be there) I won't let you down again! (In spooky Mormon Hell dream!) Demons:

Now Aaa-aaa-aaa-aah Spooky Spooky Mormon Hell dream now! [Price is dragged around by the demons and finally collapses] Spooky Mormon Hell dream done! [fade to black]

Scene 4

[Back at the Mormon building the missionaries lay Price down and wait for him to wake up]

McKinley:

I think he's coming to. [to Price] Come on, Elder Price. Wake up, buddy.

Price:

Wait, what?! Where am I?!

Davis:

It looks like you passed out at the bus station.

Church:

We were so worried!

Price:

Oh I'm, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I had a little, uh meltdown, last night. But I'm not leaving.

Elders:

Oh, good, good.

Price:

Yeah, I realized... that I was... That was wrong, and I'm gonna stay here and stick to my work!

McKinley:

Oh. You had the Hell dream, didn't you?

Michaels:

Was I in it? [Price looks around. Cunningham's singing is heard]

Cunningham:

[entering] ...Arnold. Oh, hey guys.

Michaels:

Elder Cunningham, where on Heavenly Father's green Earth have you been?

Cunningham:

[casually singing] Oh, nowhere much, just with ten eager Africans [voice rising] who are now interested in the Church! [the other elders react positively] Yes, yep, they're completely into the teachings and ready to learn more.

Price:

Are you serious, Elder Cunningham? That's amazing!

Cunningham:

Oh, Elder Price. Hey. [walks past him, a bit aloof]

Price:

Hey...

Cunningham:

So, did you find yourself a new... companion?

Price:

No. No, I didn't. And I'm sorry about that. But this is great, Elder Cunningham. If you've got some eager followers, we could really turn things around here! I think we should start... preparing which verses we're going to teach them, maybe prep some exercises, or find some, some music, maybe then-

Cunningham:

WOOAAHHH! WOH-HOOAAAHHH! You left me! Remember?

Price:

Yes, I know. And I'm sorry. But Heavenly Father has shown me I need to stay here!

Cunningham:

So now what? I'm just supposed to take you back?

Davis:

Elder Cunningham. We must all work in pairs. Remember?

McKinley:

Give Elder Cunningham a break! If it's working better this way, then, leave Elder Price out of it. [pushes Price aside and takes Cunningham back to the other elders] Now, how many of the people want to have follow-up sessions?

Cunningham:

Oh um, let's see, all of them! [the other elders react positively]

Church:

Do you think we might actually get a baptism out of this?

McKinley:

They always say you just have to get that first baptism and the others will follow!

Cunningham:

Hold up! I know I'm doing a really good job and all, but let's not get too carried away, I mean, a lot of the people here are so scared to death of that General Butt Effing Naked guy.

Thomas:

It's true. Everywhere we go, people keep talking about General Butt Effing Naked, and how he'll kill them. Sometime I'd like to convince that General that what he's doing is wrong

McKinley:

Well no one is going to change how a warlord thinks. That would take something... incredible. [Price's face lights up]

Price:

Something incredible... something incredible... [can't continue, as he's interrupted by the ongoing conversation]

McKinley:

Look, let's just be happy that Elder Cunningham has the people interested.

Price (Choir):

It's okay you guys! I've got everything under control! I know what Heavenly Father wants for me now. This whole country is gonna be SAVED! [the elders look at him, then leave and continue the conversation elsewhere] Ever since I was a child I tried to be the best, so what happened? My family and friends all said I was blessed, so what happened? It was supposed to be all so exciting to be teaching of Christ 'cross the sea. But I allowed my faith to be shaken. Oh, what's the matter with me? I've always longed to help the needy, to do the things I never dared This was the time for me to step up, so then why was I so scared? A warlord who shoots people in the face? What's so scary about that? I must trust that my Lord is mightier and always has my back. Now I must be completely devout; I can't have even one shred of doubt! I believe that the Lord God created the universe I believe that he sent his only son to die for my sins And I believe that ancient Jews built boats and sailed to America I am a Mormon, and a Mormon just believes You cannot just believe part-way, you have to believe in it all. My problem was doubting the Lord's work, instead of standing tall. I can't allow myself to have any doubt, it's time to set my worries free!

Time to show the world what Elder Price is about, and while I show them, I'll show me! I believe (Aa-aa-aaah) that God has a plan for all of us I believe (I believe) that plan involves (Aa-aa-aaah) me getting my own planet And I believe that the current President of the Church, Thomas Monson, speaks directly to God!! I am a Mormon, and dang it, a Mormon just believes! (A Mormon just believes!) I know that I must go and do the things my God commands (Things my God commands!) I realize now why he sent me here! If you ask the Lord in faith, he will always answer you! Just believe in him (just believe) and have no fear! Scene 5

[The general's camp. Elder Price walks towards it with purpose. A guard spots him and reports it]

Guard:

General! We have an intruder! He just walked right into camp!

Price (Choir):

[entering] I believe (Aaa-ahh!) that Satan has a hold of you (Satan has a hold) I believe (I believe) that the Lord [with choir] God has sent me here! [alone] And I believe that in 1978 God changed his mind about black people! (Black people!) You can be a Mormon! A Mormon who just believes...

General:

What the fuck is this?!

Price (Choir):

And now I can feel the excitement: this is the moment I was born to do And I feel so incredible to be sharing my faith with you [genuflects and takes the general's right hand in his left hand] The Scriptures say that if you ask in faith, if you ask God himself, you'll know But you must ask him without any doubt, [stands up] and let your spirit grow! (Let your spirit grow!) [pulls the general to his feet] I believe (I believe) that God lives on a planet called Kolob! [the general looks uncomfortable] I believe (I believe) that Jesus has [with choir] his own planet as well

[alone] And I believe that the Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri If you believe, the Lord will reveal it, and you'll know it's all true – you'll just feel it. You'll be a Mormon! And, by gosh, a Mormon (A Mormon) A Mormon just believes! (Just believe, a Mormon just believes) Oh, I believe! (Just believe, a Mormon just...) I believe! (...believes!) [raises his hands in victory. The general can only go along with this for a while longer, then pulls his hand away. Price opens the book and prepares to witness] So, [the general swats the book out of his hands to the floor] General:

JUMAMOSI! [his guards rush up to detain Price]

Price:

WAIT! God has spoken to me, sir! [the general picks up the book] By the power of God Almighty touch me NOT! [the general and his guards close in on him] Uh, the power of Christ compels you! [the general and his guards take him away] Wait, what are you doing? Let me go! No! No! AAAAAHHH!

Scene 6

[Kitguli, next day. Cunningham is back teaching the Ugandans by himself]

Cunningham:

Right, right. So Christ said, "You've gotta be strong, you know? Just because the Lamanites have big Death Star weapons and stuff doesn't mean you should let them run your lives, you know? There's more of you then there are of them; you've gotta stand up for yourselves!" Christ said.

Middala:

Oh! Just like the way the Hobbits all stood up against Brigham Young's killers!

Cunningham:

Very good, Middala. So, the Nephites... fought off the wicked Lamanites, and for punishments God told the Lamanites... yellow!

Kalimba:

Oh! Like the Chinese!

Cunningham:

Right, right. Oh-kay we should probably stop there for today. Hopefully we'll see everyone again tomorrow? [the

villagers begin to leave and say their goodbyes] Woman:

[to another woman on her way out] The book is right: we must not fight amongst each other. The Chinese are the real problem!

Mafala:

[approaches Cunningham] I love all these Mormon stories! They are so fucking weird and interesting!

Sadaka:

Elder Cunningham, I just wanted to say, we are very happy Heavenly Father brought you here.

Cunningham:

Oh, thank you. [Sadaka walks away, leaving Nabulungi alone with Cunningham]

Nabulungi:

I have never seen the people here so happy. Even Papa. You! ...are amazing.

Cunningham:

Oh. Well, I haven't really done that much.

Nabulungi:

But you have. I texted my friend the story of Joseph Smith's battle with diarrhea, and he said everyone in his village has read it. You are a great man.

Cunningham:

Thank you. I kind of am, huh?

Nabulungi:

All the Mormons are such amazing people. They traveled across the United States to find Paradise in Sal Tlay Ka Siti. And even though they found it, they still travel the world to show others the way.

Cunningham:

I guess I never really thought of it like that.

Nabulungi:

Do you think that we are worthy enough to join you? We have been trying very hard. And we are ready to do whatever tasks you require of us.

Cunningham:

Oh no no no no, you don't understand. There's nothing they have to do to become Mormon. We let anybody who wants to join up, so long as they're willing to commit to the Church. Then we can... baptize them.

Nabulungi:

Well then, would you like to baptize me?

Cunningham:

Sh yeah, sure, that would be... great.

Nabulungi:

Okay! Let's do it!

Cunningham:

What? Now?

Nabulungi:

Why not?

Cunningham:

[backs away nervously] Well... to be honest, I've never done it before.

Nabulungi:

[walks right up to him and gives him a soft tap on the shoulder] That's okay. Neither have I!

Cunningham:

[laughs, returns the tap, and walks off] I guess that's true.

Nabulungi:

Do you know how to baptize someone into the Church?

Cunningham:

Sure, that's something we studied over and over again at... Mission Control Center.

Nabulungi:

Please, Elder Cunningham, I want to be baptized. I swear to dedicate my life to the Church.

Cunningham:

Hah, okay, I uh, just need a second to get ready.

Nabulungi:

Okay! I'll go get ready too. [walks away]

Cunningham:

I'm about to do it for the first time And I'm gonna do it with a girl! A special girl Who makes my heart kinda flutter, makes my eyes kinda blur I can't believe I'm about to baptize her

Nabulungi:

He will baptize me. He will hold me in his arms And he will baptize me right in front of everyone, And it will set me free when he looks into my eyes And he sees just how much I love being baptized

Cunningham (Nabulungi):

I'm gonna baptize her (Baptize me), Bathe her in God's glory, And I will baptize her (I'm ready) with everything I got, And I'll make her beg for more (Oooh) as I wash her free of sin, And it'll be so good she'll want me to [together] baptize her/me again. [they get real close to each other and look like they'll kiss, but Cunningham checks himself] Excuse me, I, I need another minute! [Cunningham walks away quickly]

Nabulungi:

Never known a boy so gentle One like him is hard to find. A special kind, He makes my heart kind of flutter Like a moth in a cocoon. I hope he gets to baptizing me soon!

Cunningham:

I'm gonna baptize you! I'm through with all my stallin'!

Nabulungi:

You're gonna baptize me! I'm ready to let you do it!

Cunningham and Nabulungi:

And it will set us free. It's time to be immersed. And I'm so happy you're about to be my first!

Cunningham:

OK. Are you ready?

Nabulungi:

I am ready. So how do we do it?

Cunningham:

Well, I hold you like this.

Nabulungi:

Yeah?

Cunningham:

Then I lower you down.

Nabulungi:

Yeah?

Cunningham:

And then I— [lets her fall back into the water]

Cunningham (Nabulungi):

I just baptized her! She got dowsed by Heavenly father! I just baptized her good (Baptized me)! I performed like a champ!

Nabulungi:

I'm wet with salvation!

Cunningham and Nabulungi:

We just went all the way! Praise be to God! I'll never forget this day!

Cunningham (Nabulungi):

I baptized you! (You baptized me) I gotcha good! (Baptized me) [Cunningham reels her in and she hops towards him] You wanted it more, baby! (Baptized me...) [Cunningham removes the fishing hook from her mouth, then gets a towel for her. He offers to put it on her, but she declines. He then hands it to her...]

Nabulungi:

I'll text you later. [she walks away]

Scene 7

[at the same river some days later. The elders stand at one side of the river, the villagers on the other. McKinley

starts off the baptisms by baptizing Mafala. Mafala gives praise to God and then embraces McKinley. The other elders pair off with the other villagers and baptize them individually. McKinley steps forth.] McKinley:

Dear Mission President, it is my honor to inform you that the elders of Uganda District 9 have brought twenty new members into the Church.

Mission President:

[reading the letter] "They are all fully committed to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and our numbers continue to grow." This is outstanding. These boys have converted more Africans than any district in the country. Elders of District 9, you have truly honored the Church by your success. Congratulations on becoming one... with the people... of Africa.

McKinley:

I am Africa. I am Africa. With the strength of the cheetah my native voice will ring.

Elders:

We are Africa. We are the heartbeat of Africa.

Schrader:

With the rhino

Thomas:

the meerkat

Church:

the noble lion king

Elders:

We are Africa. We are the winds of the Serengeti, we are the sweat of the jungle man, We are the tears of Nelson Mandela, we are the lost boys of the Sudan!

Cunningham:

I am Africa. Just like Bono, I am Africa. I flew in here and became one with this land

Elders:

Ha na he-iya! Za ba ne-iba!

Cunningham:

I'm not a follower anymore. No, now I am Africa! With my Zulu spear, I run barefoot through the sand And I am Africa!

Elders:

Ha na he-iya! Za ba ne-iba! Ha na he-iya! Za ba ne-ib...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... Scene 8

[The village's medical clinic. Doctor Gotswana is checking an X-ray of a man's body with the Book of Mormon shoved up the man's ass. Nearby, Elder Price is doubled over on the gurney.]

Gotswana:

Something incredible. You've done something incredible! I have never seen a rectal blockage of this kind! I have seen patients in the past with rodents or bottles in their ass! But this is something incredible, and it blows my freakin' mind! [Price shakes his head from the embarrassment]

Elders:

We are the snows of Kilimanjaro, we are gorillas in the mist, We are the galleys of the Amistad, we are Fela's defiant fist! We are Africa...

Cunningham:

Oh Neosporin it's amazing! The mission president wants to meet me personally and he's gonna give me a medal!

Nabulungi:

Oh elder, that is incredible! [they run off. Elder Price walks past with his Book of Mormon removed from his ass]

Elders:

We are Africa, the zebra and giraffica

General:

Are you telling me that an entire village is wearing white and dunking themselves into water?! Well what type of... voodoo magic is that?! It freaks me out!! They must all be put to death!!

Elders:

We are the Africa (We are Africa) The one and only Africa (The one and only) And the life we live is primitive and proud! (Let us smile and laughrica!) We are Africa (We are Africa) We are deepest, darkest Africa! (So deep and dark in Africa) We are the fields and fertile forest, well endowed. We are Africa (We are Africa)

McKinley:

We are the sunrise on the Savannah

Zelder:

A monkey with a banana

Church:

A tribal woman who doesn't wear a bra

Elders:

Ahhh...Africans are African, but we are Africa!

Scene 9

[A cafe in Kitguli. Price is drinking at the bar there and he's got several stacks of coffee cups before him. His left leg is trembling]

Price:

Hit me! Gimme another one! Come ON! [the barkeep pours him another cup] Thank you. You wanna hear something funny? I used to think drinking coffee was wrong. You wanna know why? HM! Because apparently, a tribe of ancient Jews lived in America created huge civilizations and were visited by Christ, but then, then disappeared, leaving no archaeological trace of themselves except... for golden plates, which were then dug up by a farmer who wrote down, amongst other things, that hot drinks were not for the body to belly, so I can't have a cup of coffee! [the barkeep gets scared and leaves] HA! [trembles and drinks from his cup]

Cunningham:

[walks in] Elder Price? [Price looks over] Are you okay?

Price:

Well well! If it isn't the super Mormon! Really changed in Uganda, aren'tcha?

Cunningham:

I'm doin' what I can.

Price:

Yeah? Spreadin' the Word? Makin' more brainwashed zombies?

Cunningham:

Elder Price? What happened to you?

Price:

I woke up. That's what happened.

Cunningham:

Of course you woke up! You drank twelve cups of coffee!!

Price:

[stands up and confronts Cunningham] You tell me how it is, huh?! How is it you converted also those people into Mormons?!

Cunningham:

I don't know. Once I baptized Nagasaki the others just fell into place.

Price:

You baptized that girl??

Cunningham:

Yeah, I did. Don't hate on me, elder!

Price:

You get everything you pray for! You're doing everything I

was supposed to do! Doesn't that seem a little telling to you?! Cunningham:

Well of what??

Price:

That the universe doesn't work the way we were told! ... When I was nine years old, my family took a trip. To Orlando, Florida. And it was the most... wonderful, most magical place I'd ever seen. And I decided right then and there, "This... is where I want to spend eternity." My parents said that if I made God proud and I did everything the Church asked, in the latter days, I could have whatever I wanted. So I worked. And I worked. And even when I studied Mormon stories and I thought, "That doesn't really make sense," I kept working! Because I was told that one day I would get my reward! PLANET ORLANDO! But what do I have now?

Cunningham:

Um... Yeah... Okay, anyway, so, the uh, the mission president is coming tomorrow and, I'm without my companion and well it just looks kind of bad-

Price:

Aaaa-oh, so that's why you came!

Cunningham:

No, I came because I care about you-

Price:

BULL POOP!

Cunningham:

-and Heavenly Fa-

Price:

That is bull poop, elder! And you know it!

Cunningham:

Look, I know you may not be the best "companion," but if we can please just ACT like we're still together, in front of the mission president, it would be the best thing for the both of us.

Price:

Fine! But don't talk to me! And don't touch me!

Cunningham:

Fine! [storms out of the cafe]

Price:

Fine! [starts after Cunningham, but stops, then turns aside] Orland, Orlando, I liked you Orlando. Your bright lights, your big dreams, your promises you couldn't keep Orland, Orlando, without you Orlando.

I'm just a guy who will die and never go back... to... you... Scene 10

[the missionary living quarters, outside. The mission president is outside with his assistants and the elders]

Mission President:

Boys! You have all done the most amazing work of your missions. You are the gleaming examples of Latter-Day Saints.

Assistants:

Praise Christ. Praise Christ.

Mission President:

And YOU, Elder Price and Elder Cunningham, you are the most successful missionaries in all of Africa.

Cunningham:

Oh, thank you sir. My companion has been so very helpful [tries to punch him playfully but Price moves out of the way] and there for me.

Assistants:

Praise Christ. [Price chides Cunningham about touching him]

Nabulungi:

Excuse me! Excuse me mister Mormon President? My people wish to give you a special welcome. [her people bring in a set on which they'll act out what they learned]

Cunningham:

[pulls her aside] Uhh... Neutrogena, what are you doing here?

Nabulungi:

[turns back to the president] We, we have learned so much from Elder Cunningham, and as our gift to you we wish to present the story of Joseph Smith and the first Mormons. [four Ugandan women dressed as pioneer women burst through curtains onto the set]

Cunningham:

[tries to block the women from moving any further] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I think this is a very bad idea. Let's not do this.

McKinley:

[approaches Cunningham] No no no, elder, this is just the sort of thing the Mormon leaders need to be seeing. [Cunningham goes to plead with the president. Nabulungi holds his hand while McKinley holds him back]

Mission President:

Yes, yes yes, let's see what these noble Africans have learned. [the Ugandans get themselves into position]

Nabulungi:

And now we wish to honor you with the story of Joseph

Smith, the American Moses Mission President:

Well, this is very good! Praise Christ.

Ugandans:

Moooormon

Nabulungi (Ugandans): I'm going to take you back in time (Mormon), to the United States, 1823 (Mormon). A small and odd village called Oopstate New York (Oopstate). There was disease and famine (so sick). But also in this village lived a simple farmer who would change everything. His name..... was Joseph Smith. Ugandans:

Hiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiya Joseph Smith, American Moses Praise be to Joseph, American prophet man.

Joseph Smith:

[Mutumbo steps through the curtains in costume] Aye! My name is Joseph Smith and I am going to fuck this baby! [takes a baby from one of the women]

Mission President:

WHAT?!

Ugandans:

No no Joseph, don't fuck the baby! Joseph Smith, don't fuck the baby!

Nabulungi:

Then God came down from heaven and appeared before Joseph Smith. [Mafala steps through the clouds dressed in splendor as God]

God:

Joseph Smith, do not fuck a baby! I will get rid of your AIDS, if you fuck this frog. [presents a frog to Joseph Smith, then goes back through the clouds]

Ugandans:

Hiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiya

Nabulungi:

Joseph Smith fucked the frog God gave him and his AIDS went away. [Mutumbo simulates the act] Then a great wizard named Moroni came down from the Starship Enterprise. [Middala steps through the clouds as Moroni]

Moroni:

Joseph Smith, your village is shit! You shall lead the villagers to a new village! Here are the fucking directions!

Ugandans:

Awaaaaay!

Nabulungi:

And on the plates were written the directions to a new land. Sal Tlay Ka Siti

Ugandans:

Sal Tlay Ka Siti!

Nabulungi:

Joseph tried to convince all the villagers to follow him and his golden plates.

Joseph Smith (Ugandans):

[still fucking the frog] Liberation! Equality! No more slavery for Oopstate Mormon people! I got de golden plates (gold plates) I'm gonna lead the people (we head West) We gotta stick together (Mormons) We gotta help each other (we're Mormons) And so we climb the mountain (we head West) And we cross the river (we head West) And we fight the oppression (Mormons) By being nice to everyone (we are Mormons)

Brigham Young:

[Gotswana appears dressed as Brigham Young]Not so fast Mormons, you shall not pass my mountain!!

Woman:

Down from the mountain look who comes!

Ugandans:

The American warlord Brigham Young!

Brigham Young:

Yeeeeeeeeees. I am Brigham Young! I cut off my daughter's clitoris. That made God angry so he turned my nose into a clit for punishment! [puts his hands over his nose as if to form a vagina]

Ugandans:

Brigham Young, his nose was a clitoris! What will you do Joseph?? Will you fight the clitoris man??

Joseph Smith:

Not fight him, help him!! [walks towards Brigham Young with a Book of Mormon]

Ugandans:

Ooooooohhhh!!

Nabulungi:

Joseph Smith took his magical fuck frog and rubbed it upon Brigham Young's clit face, and behold Brigham was cured!

Ugandans:

Joseph Smith - magical AIDS frog Brigham Young - frog on his clit face

Nabulungi:

Brigham Young was so grateful, he decided to join the Mormons on their journey.

Joseph Smith

Compassion! Courtesy! Unrelenting politeness from all

(Ugandans):

Oopstate Mormon people! I got de golden plates (gold plates) I'm gonna lead the people (we head West) We gotta stick together (Mormons)

Nabulungi:

Now comes the part of our story that gets a little bit sad.

Ugandans:

Ooooooh!

Nabulungi:

After traveling for SO long, the Mormons ran out of fresh water and become sick..... with dysentery.

Ugandans:

Mormon go to the water, water go to the cup Cup go to the stomach, shit come out the butt Shit go in the water, water go in the cup Shit go down the stomach, shit come out the butt

Joseph Smith:

Uuughh! Oh Fuck! Uuughh!

Nabulungi:

Oh no, the prophet Joseph Smith is now getting sick!

Ugandans:

Shit go in the water, water go in the cup Cup go to the thirsty, shit go to the stomach Blood come out the butt, blood go in the water Water go in the cup, cup go to the tongue Shit blood in the stomach, shit blood in the mouth Shit blood on the insides, water come out the butt!

Joseph Smith:

[moans horribly] Brigham Young! You take the golden plates and lead the Mormons to the Promised Land!! [dies and poops one last time]

Brigham Young (Ugandans):

Desperation! Mortality! Perseverance! I got de golden plates (gold plates) I'm got to lead the people (we head West) We gotta stick together- [leads the pioneers off stage]

Nabulungi:

Even though their prophet had died, the Mormons stuck together and helped each other and were really nice to everyone they came across, and then finally one day the Mormons found Sal Tlay Ka Siti!

Ugandans:

Sal Tlay Ka Siti!!

Nabulungi:

And there, the Mormons danced with Ewoks, and Jesus.

Jesus:

[Ghali comes out dressed as Jesus, but with a long erect penis] Welcome Mormons! Now, let's all have as many

babies as we can and make big Mormon families! [The Mormon men now have long erect penises too, and they all dance] Ugandans:

Fuck your woman, fuck your man, this is all part of God's plan Mormons fuck all that they can. We're in Salt Lake City land. Thank you, thank you, God! (Now we are fucking!) Thank you, thank you, God! (God wants us fucking!) Thank you, thank you, God! (Get back to fucking!) Thank you, thank you, God! Joseph Smith fuck frog, Brigham Young clit face Shit come out the butt, Jesus says fuck, fuck Mormons! [A man bows a bit before the president, and he returns the bow, but he is not happy]

Mission President:

Elders! ...I'd like to have a word with you. ...NOW! [the president walks out. His assistants follow with the chair he was sitting on, and then the elders follow.]

Mutumbo:

I think they liked it. [the Ugandans cheer and dance around]

Scene 11

[The missionary living quarters, inside. The Mormons all enter, leaving the Ugandans outside]

McKinley:

We are sorry, mister president, we had no idea-

Mission President:

You keep your mouth shut!! You're in enough trouble as it is!

Cunningham:

[steps up to explain. Price is in the background] S-sir, um, I was... just trying to help the villagers here. See they um, all really wanted to learn.

Nabulungi:

[rushes in to give Cunningham a document] Elder! Elder, I wanted to give you this. It's the entire play written in text. [looks around at the long faces] What is going on?

Mission President:

What's going on here is that you have all brought ridicule down onto the Latter-Day Saints.

Nabulungi:

But we are all Latter-Day Saints now, right?

Mission President:

You and your people are about as far from being LatterDay Saints as it gets. YOU ALL ARE!

Nabulungi:

Elder Cunningham, tell them! We are ready to go to Sal Tlay Ka Siti. My things are packed.

Cunningham:

Um... I'm so sorry, Nabagamba, but um, I never meant that you were actually going to Salt Lake City.

Nabulungi:

But you said that we could find paradise by listening to you.

Cunningham:

Well... when we say that, we mean paradise within yourself. You know, it's sort of like a... [looks around to the other elders] like a Jesus thing.

Nabulungi:

Oh... I see. So, when you baptized me, it meant nothing.

Cunningham:

No, no! It meant everything!

Nabulungi:

Uncircumcised women are going to have their families killed!! Where am I supposed go?!

Cunningham:

I don't, um...

Nabulungi:

I know what you people are now. You traveled from your sparkling lovely paradise in Ootah to tell ridiculous stories to people less fortunate to make fun of them!

Cunningham:

No no, it isn't like that-

Nabulungi:

You have crushed my soul! I hope you all had a good laugh. [walks out in a hurry]

Mission President:

Elders, you may as well pack all your things. This district is shut down. Go home to your parents, and explain to them that you have all... FAILED... as missionaries! [the elders and the mission president and his assistants all leave. Elder Price steps in and approaches him]

Cunningham:

Boy I... really did it this time, huh? I mean I I've, I've always been a screw up, but this? The thing is I, I really liked her too, you know? And in fact, maybe it was like I could almost be a normal person, with a girl who cared about me, who was... hot. And instead I made those poor Africans put on the biggest abomination in Mormon history.

Price:

Joseph Smith dying of dysentery? Moroni from the Starship Enterprise? That play was the most... beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Cunningham:

Huh?

Price:

It's like... like you were getting a point across using modern things. And you tried to... wait a minute. Wait a minute, you've... You've been trying to teach me something all along, haven't you?

Cunningham:

What?

Price:

Here I thought I could just fly in here all on my own and, and, and change everything by just sticking to Scripture. While you were trying to show me that, that Scripture isn't that important! I was losing my faith, and you went out and did... something incredible! You did something incredible. For a people who had nowhere else to go. I thought they were unreachable, but then they were happy, and hopeful, and wearing costumes. It was almost like... Orlando.... I'm sorry that it took me so long to... realize what you were trying to teach me Elder.

Cunningham:

Oh, no that's, that's okay. But what about Nathan Lane?! I mean, I, I made her believe in a, in a bunch of made-up crap!

Price:

No no no, it doesn't matter if the stories are true or not! That's not the point!

Cunningham:

It doesn't matter now 'cause she's gonna get her clit cut off and it's all my fault!

Price:

Elder, come on! There is always hope! I will help you fix this!

Cunningham:

You... would do that for me?

Price:

I'd do anything for you. You're my best friend.

Cunningham:

We all need a partner, one that's best for me

Price:

We both need each other

Cunningham and Price: We're a really awesome team.

As long as we're together there's nothing we cannot do Price:

We can make things right again, me and you. [they hug each other tight]

Cunningham:

But mostly me. [smiling, both men walk away]

Scene 12

[Kitguli. Nabulungi returns and her fellow villagers welcome her back festively]

Mafala:

So, what did the Mormon president think of our play?

Mutumbo:

Did Elder Cunningham like it?

Kalimba:

He must see a thousand previews, right?

General:

JUMAMOSI! [the villagers huddle up as he walks in with a guard] Well, well. There you are. There have been rumors that the people of this village are uniting to oppose us.

Mutumbo:

Yes. We have been shown another way. [the guard takes aim at him]

Nabulungi:

No. No, we do not oppose you. We will do whatever you say.

Mutumbo:

Nabulungi, what is wrong? Our prophet has told us to stick together, to fight oppression!

Nabulungi:

Forget about Elder Cunningham! You aren't going to see him ever again!

Middala:

What are you talking about? Why aren't we?

Nabulungi:

Because Elder Cunningham... he... he... he was eaten by lions, alright? [the villagers panic.]

Gotswana:

Our prophet was eaten by lions?!

General:

EEENOUUGH!! [the villagers stop screaming and huddle up again] There is only one law to obey here and that is mine!

Middala:

We believe in something else!

Nabulungi:

No, stop it! All of you! I told you our prophet is gone. There is no promised land, and there is no salvation.

Sadaka:

Oh no! You cannot talk like that, Nabulungi. Remember the first teachings of the Mormons: When Joseph Smith

died they did not give up on their hope. Nabulungi:

But it isn't true. We aren't going to Sal Tlay Ka Siti.

Kimbay:

Habulungi! Sal Tlay Ka Siti isn't an actual place. It's an idea. A metaphor.

Mafala:

All the stories the prophet has told us... are just metaphors.

Woman:

Yeah. You don't think a man actually fucked a frog, do you? That's fucking stupid!

Nabulungi:

And you all believe this?

Ugandans:

Yes.

Price:

[offstage] Hello? [the Ugandans all turn to see who it is, and they're quite surprised]

Middala:

HE HAS RISEN!

Kalimba:

It is a miracle!

Mafala:

Our prophet returns, even from the dead! [looks at the general] THERE! YOU SEE?!

Woman:

He must have fucked a frog!

General:

Who?! Who has risen from the dead?!

Price:

[pulling Cunningham along to the general] He has! He has! So, so you might as well just, just put down your guns! Because they will not work against his... voodoo power! And if you don't get out of this village, right now, he is going to command the angel Moroni, from the Death Star, to unleash the kraken which will then... which will then...

Cunningham:

Which will then... launch Joseph Smith's torpedoes from its mouth of Christ and turn you into a lesbian! [this finally scares off the general and his guard. They leave and the villagers cheer]

Price:

And don't think he can't do it!

Cunningham:

[spots Nabulungi and runs to her] Oh! Oh Nala I am so sorry! Please, if you just give me a chance?

Nabulungi:

Elder! Elder, you don't have to say anything. I

understand. [they kiss. The other elders walk by in suits and with their suitcases, leaving the village] Price:

Whoa whoa whoa, elders, where do you think you're going?

McKinley:

What do you mean "where are you going"? We've been shut down.

Neeley:

Yeah, we have to go home.

Price:

Who says we have to?

Zelder:

What?

Price:

Guys, we wanted to go on a mission so we could spend two years of our life living someplace exciting and helping people, right?

An Elder:

Yeah.

Price:

Well so let's do it!

Neeley:

But the mission president said we're all about as far from Latter-Day Saints as it gets.

Price:

Naw, you know what guys? Fuck. Him. We are still LatterDay Saints! All of us! Even if we changed some things, or if we break the rules or, or if we have complete doubt that God exists. We can still all work together and make this our paradise planet.

McKinley:

You… you wanna stay here with me?

Price:

I’d do anything for you. You’re my best friend. Don’t worry little buddy, know this much is true: Tomorrow is a Latter Day; And I am here for you.

Elders (Ugandans):

Tomorrow is a Latter Day Tomorrow is a Latter Day Tomorrow is a Latter DAY! [dance break] The skies are clearing and now the sun's coming out; it's a Latter Day tomorrow (Hiyiya) Put your worries and your sorrows and your cares away, and focus on a Latter Day, Tomorrow is a Latter Day (Whoo!)

Nabulungi:

I am a Latter Day Saint, along with my whole town. In love with someone Christ put my way!

Cunningham:

My family would always doubt me, now Nabulungi really cares about me. And together we will have a Latter Day

Ensemble:

Hum na-haya hum hum na-haya We're here for each other every step of the way, and make a Latter Day tomorrow (Hum na-haya) Americans already found a cure for AIDS, but they're saving it for a Latter Day (yeah!) Tomorrow is a Latter Day

Price (Ensemble):

I believe (Tomorrow is a Latter Day) I believe (Love and joy and all the things that matter day) I believe (Tomorrow is a bigger, badder Latter Day) I believe (Tomorrow, tomorrow is a Latter Day) I believe (A happy ending on a platter day) I believe (Tomorrow is a doper, phatter Latter Day)

Ensemble:

The skies are clearing and now the suns coming out It's a Latter Day tomorrow Put your worries and your sorrows and your cares away 'Cause tomorrow's is a Latter Day! Tomorrow is a Latter Day! Tomorrow is a Latter Day!

Cunningham:

So what will tomorrow bring?

Price:

What does the future hold?

Price/Cunningham/Nab I can almost see it now... ulungi: Scene 13

[the Ugandans go from door to door, converting people.

Mutumbo:

Hello, my name is Elder Mutumbo, and I would like to share with you the most amazing book

Kimbay:

Hello.

Gotswana:

Hello.

Kimbay:

My name is Sister Kimbay. It's a book about a people who were poor and sad like you

Nabulungi:

A sacred text-

Mafala:

Hello.

Nabulungi:

-Of pioneers and frogs

Mafala:

Fucked frogs.

Nabulungi:

And how you can find salvation if you just believe.

Woman:

Hi ho.

Middala/Kimbay:

Ding dong.

Kalimba:

Hello.

Woman:

Boba Fett!

Kalimba:

You have a lovely mud hut And if you just put down the gun, I'll show you– Oh! Ok, I'll leave!

Sadaka:

Hello

Ghali:

Hello, my name is Elder Ghali. You will love all of the happiness this book can bring.

General:

Hello.

Middala:

Hello!

General:

My name is Elder Butt Fucking Naked. Did you know that the clitoris is a holy sacred thing?

Ugandans:

Find Paradise

Kimbay:

With Jesus Christ!

Ugandans:

And no more war.

General:

Hello.

Middala:

Nice door!

Ugandans:

You read the Book of Mormon, did you know there's more?

Nabulungi:

Part 4

Ugandans:

We swear

General:

We really care!

Ugandans:

This is not a scam.

General:

No ma'am!

Ugandans:

Have you heard the story of our prophet Arnold Cunningham? Hello! Arnold Cunningham! Hello! Arnold Cunning-!

Cunningham:

Hello!

Ensemble:

Hello (Hello) Our church is going strong (Hello) And if you let us in we'll show you how you can belong (Hello) Join our family (Hello) And set your spirit free (Hello)(Hello) We can fully guarantee you that this book will change your life Hello! This book will change your life Hello! This book will change your life Will change- This book will change your life The book of Arnold... Hello! [they all bow, then the main characters come out to bow, then they all bow twice more] We are Latter Day Saints. (Yeah!) We take life one day at a time. When the chips are down we know just what to say (We know just what to say) The past may be in tatters, but today is all that matters (Hum na-haya) Because today is yesterday's Latter Day (Hoo hoo hoo oho oho) Thank you God! Ma ha nei bu, Eebowai! Why are Mormons happy? It's because we know it's a Latter Day tomorrow. So if you're sad put your hands together and pray that tomorrow's gonna be a Latter Day. Yeah! You know it's gonna be a Latter Day [slowing] Tomorrow is

A Latter Day!! Gotswana:

I still have maggots in my scrotum!