• Author / Uploaded
• Wentworth Miller

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that!guy! ! ! ! ! !! by!Wentworth!Miller!

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! All!rights!reserved.! ! No!part!of!this!material!may!be!reproduced!without!written!permission.!For!information!address!ICM! Partners!10250!Constellation!Boulevard,!Los!Angeles,!CA!90067.! ! Pub.!February!2020.!USA.! ! ! !

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Mature!content.! ! ! ! !

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! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! that!guy!

hey,%brother.%you're%clearly%thirsting%for%a%story.%so%a%story%you%shall%get.% % occasionally%i%share%a%shuttle%to/from%work%with%X,%my%brother%from%another%mother/tv%show.%despite% appearances%X%is%a%sensitive%soul,%exhibiting%(at%times)%an%uncanny,%sixth%sense@like%awareness%of%what% lies%beyond%the%beyond...% % anyway.%friday%night%we're%in%the%car,%heading%home,%and%i'm%dropped%off%first.%as%we%pull%up%to%my%apt% he%goes,%"be%careful%this%weekend."%% % not%our%usual%sign@off.%% % i%pause,%a%hand%on%the%door,%foot%on%the%curb.%say,%"okay.%i%will."%then%get%out,%his%words%rattling%around% in%my%head.%i%wonder%what%X%meant,%make%a%mental%note%to%ask%when%i%see%him%come%monday...% % cut%to%saturday.% % i'm%now%in%the%habit,%on%days%off,%of%taking%2@3%hour%walks%through%___%park,%___'s%answer%to%central%but% less%manicured.%there%are%pockets%that%feel%(to%this%city%mouse)%like%wilderness...%quiet,%lonesome%places% with%winding%dirt%tracks%where,%aside%from%a%seaplane%overhead%or%grim%cyclist%cycling%by,%it's%possible%to% feel%cut%off%from%civilization...% % that's%not%where%i%was%when%our%story%took/takes%place.% % i%was%quite%near%civilization,%not%far%into%the%park%and%a%stone's%throw%from%the%seawall%that%snakes%the% entirety.%and%on%this%aggressively%pleasant%afternoon%(sun%shining,%breezes%blowing),%the%joint%was% jumping%@%kids,%dogs,%geese,%gulls,%rollerbladers,%speedwalkers,%several%busloads%of%tourists%and%a%few% intrepid%souls%still%hunched%over%grills%and%picnic%tables,%enjoying%a%last%cookout%before%winter's%knock...% % i%was%on%a%path%running%parallel%to%this.% % i%could%hear%the%action,%see%the%crowds%through%the%trees,%but%was%alone.%which%was%odd%(in%hindsight),%in% the%middle%of%the%day%on%a%busy%weekend.%but%for%the%moment%there%was%no%one%else%in/on%this/my% particular%path.%which%was%lovely.%lined%with%redwoods.%probably%not%"old%growth"%(whatever%that%is),% but%old%enough,%and%tall%enough,%to%block%the%sky.%leaving%the%floor%shady%and%gloomy.%mossy%and% moody.%rich%with%atmosphere.%and%so%on...% % as%i%wound%round%a%corner%a%man%appeared,%moving%toward%me%at%a%clip,%hands%in%his%pockets.%we%passed% each%other...%and%i%was%fucked.%eye%fucked.%to%be%exact.% % he%kept%walking.%so%did%i.% % i%did%not%turn%to%watch%him%go.%what%i%did%was%think,%"ah.%i'm%in%that%part%of%the%park."%because%in%a%major% urban%area%with%both%a%park%and%a%gay%male%population,%there%will%be%that%part%of%the%park.%i%say%"gay"% because%there%is%not,%to%my%knowledge,%straight%sex%(anonymous,%free%of%charge%and%figurative% entanglements)%available%in%___%park.%if%there%were,%the%straight%male%pop%would%be%well@represented.% % what%surprised%me%(besides%the%eye%fucking)%was%how%close%that%part%of%the%park%was%to%the%main%drag.%if%

2% i%peered%through%the%tree%line%from%where%i%stood%(and%did),%i%could%see%kids%on%the%playground.%a%couple% throwing%a%frisbee.% % no,%this%wasn't%a%fan.%there%was%no%double%take,%no%shock%of%recognition.%he%saw%me.%and%what%he%saw% was%a%potential%fuck%buddy.%not%"that%guy%from%___%."%which,%you%could%argue,%means%he%did%not%see%me.% like%last%call%at%the%bar%after%(more%than)%a%few%drinks,%i%could've%been%anyone.%anyone%(almost%anyone)% would%do.% % anyway.%i%walked%another%20%paces,%still%not%looking%back,%stopping%to%admire%a%redwood.%it%was%gnarled% and%twisted,%a%thing%to%behold.%so%i%obliged.%i%considered%pulling%out%my%phone%to%take%a%picture,%but% before%i%could%make%up%my%mind%i%heard%the%crunch%of%pine%needles.%he%was%coming%back.%hands%(still)%in% his%pockets,%wearing%inappropriate%shoes%for%the%terrain%(some%kind%of%loafer).%a%crewneck%sweater,% preppy%slacks.%(do%people%still%say%"slacks?")%he%was%white.%clean@cut.%not%what%you'd%call%handsome%(face% too%pinched%with%tension)%but%attractive.%and%young.%late%20s.%someone%someone%would%be%happy%to% bring%home%to%mother.% % again%with%the%eye%fucking.% % so%we%did.%right%there%in%the%bushes.% % kidding.% % but%did%you%think,%for%a%second,%i%wasn't?%% % did%you%think,%for%a%second,%i%could%have?% % so%did%i.% % kidding.%% % only%for%a%second.% % for%starters%he%wasn't%my%type%(of%which%there%are%several).%for%enders%i%am%not%@%have%never%been%@%cool% with%PDA%(public%displays%of%affection).%i%don't%even%like%holding%hands%in%public.%so%the%idea%of%accepting% this...%unspoken%invitation,%from%a%stranger,%then%beelining%for%the%nearest%grotto%intent%on...%whatever% transpires%in%grottos...%is%laughable.%almost.%99%percent.%99%percent%laughable.%okay%98%percent.%98.5% percent%laughable.%% % because%here's%the/my%truth:%i%was%lonely.%and%alone.%adrift%in%a%new%city%in%a%foreign%country.%and%he% was,%like%i%said,%attractive.%evidently%interested%in...%something.% % hey.%let's%be%clear.%i%was%not%truly%tempted.%i'm%not%that%man.%(no%judgment.%just%not%my%thing.)% % and%(it's%a%"both/and"%not%an%"either/or"),%on%that%path,%in%those%woods,%breath%suddenly%shallow%with% my%phone%half%out%of%my%pocket,%part%of%me%(not%that%part),%that%likes%to%daydream,%constantly,%that's% grown%used%to%@%skilled%at%@%trying%on%various%guises/disguises,%leaning%into%various%instincts%and% inclinations%(legal%and%less%so),%for%professional%reasons,%because%it's%my%job%@%has%been%for%almost%two% decades%@%to%play%younger%brothers%and%absent%fathers,%super%villains%and%structural%engineers,%things%i%

3% am%not%and%never%will%be%(not%IRL),%the%part%that's%paid%good%money%to%execute%whatever%whenever% wherever%with%whomever%thought,%"what%if%i%am%that%man?%on%this%path?%in%these%woods?"%part%of%me% thought,%"with%whom%is%this%afternoon%rendezvous?%really?"%with%whom%is%any%rendezvous?%afternoon%or% otherwise?%if%not%my%self?%me%reflected%back%to%me?% % we're%capable%of%many%things,%you%and%i.%legal%and%less%so.%the%difference%is%i%execute.%or%pretend%to.% "acting%is%an%excuse%to%be%inappropriate,"%my%coach%said.%it's%true.%acting%requires/develops%@%besides%an% (over)%active%imagination%@%a%certain%moral%flexibility,%a%certain%set%of%(skills)%muscles%to%be%exercised% between%"action"%and%"cut."%these%do%not%vanish,%cease%to%function,%the%moment%i%step%offstage.%(am%i% saying%actors%are%a@%or%immoral?%no.%i'm%saying%i%wouldn't%go%looking%for%nuns%at%the%local%honkytonk.)% % have%you%thought,%for%a%second,%i%could%kill%someone?% % because%i%have.%more%than%once.% % for%the%camera%(of%course).%for%your%amusement%(yours%and%other%people's).%when%the%script%called%for%it,% i%have%"gone%there."%that%place.%emotionally.%energetically.%enacted%as%realistically%and%authentically%as% possible%the%killing%act,%take%after%take,%until%the%director%was%satisfied.%when%the%script%called%for%it,%i% have%entered%the%crowded%cafeteria%that%is%me,%my%self,%at%lunchtime,%looked%past%the%scheming% cheerleaders%and%injured%football%players,%the%fish%monsters%and%dead%soldiers%and%found%my%killer%@% there%@%sitting%alone%at%the%farthest%table,%eyes%down,%eating%quietly,%watched%as%he%wiped%his%mouth,% rose%while%the%room%fell%silent,%then%came%with%me%to%take%care%of...%whoever%i/he/we%needed%to%take% care%of.%when%the%script%called%for%it.% % if%i%know%my%killer,%and%where%to%find%him,%in%my%self,%can%i%forget?%now%i%know%how%it%feels?%his%heart?%in% my%chest?%his%hand%in%mine?%as%if%his%were%the%real%and%mine%the%glove?%can%i%forget%that?%un@know%that?% would%you%prefer%i%did?%or%at%least%pretend%to?% % okay.%let's%pretend.% % but%remind%me%not%to%tell%you%about%that%other%time,%in%a%different%city,%when%i%was%followed%by%two% young%men%who'd%spotted%me%on%the%street,%called%out%"Scofield!"%and%then,%when%a%handshake%and% "hello"%wouldn't%satisfy,%tailed%me,%dogged%me%as%i%walked%faster,%rattled,%wishing%i%hadn't%tried%to%escape% through%the%park%because%we%are%now%alone,%passing%quickly%through%a%secluded%stretch%as%they%circle,% teasing%and%catcalling%in%a%language%i%do%not%understand,%pleased%to%have%found%their%way%under%my%skin,% pleased%to%see%i%am%afraid%but%mistaking%the%reason...%i%am%afraid,%but%not%of%them...%as%we%move%forward,% together,%this%ill@starred%ensemble,%my%eyes%are%scanning%the%grass/growth%for%a%good@sized%branch%or,% better%yet,%a%long%lead%pipe%with%a%rusted@out%end...%something%i%can%use%to%sink%holes%in%skulls...%and% unlike%teens%in%old%horror%movies%i%will%not%knock%them%down%then%run,%no...%i%will%keep%going%until%i%am% confident%(quite%confident)%they%will%not%be%getting%up%to%follow...%not%anytime%soon...%or%ever%again...% % eventually%we%broke%through%a%line%of%trees,%emerging,%randomly,%across%from%the%US%embassy...%i%fast@ walked%through%traffic%onto%the%sidewalk%opposite,%leaned%against%the%gates,%breathing%in%hitches,%a% dozen%yards%down%from%two%men%with%guns%standing%guard...%on%the%other%side%of%the%street,%the%men% who'd%pursued%me%waved%and%smiled%and%turned%around,%headed%back%the%way%we'd%come,%minus%one...% % you%can%meet%all%sorts%of%people%in%the%park.%in%the%woods.%including%yourself.%(or%selves.)%

4% % side%note:%fucking%people%and%fucking%people%up%are%not%the%same%thing.%i%know%that.%i'm%reaching%for% extremes.%things%beyond%the%beyond.%(for%you.)% % where%was%i?%right.%(potential)%fucking.% % at%this%point%the%stranger%in%slacks%has%continued%past%me...%and%stopped.%maybe%20%yards%away.%i%glance% in%his%direction,%see%him%standing%with%his%back%to%me,%know%it's%only%seconds%until%he%turns%around,% starts%toward%me%again...%then%what?%i%note%the%tightness%in%his%shoulders,%so%high%they're%almost%level% with%his%ears.%feel%mine%rise%in%sympathy.%has%he%done%this%before%or%never%before?%am%i%the%first%or%the% five%hundredth?%(or%the%last?)%i'm%aware%i've%been%standing%by%this%redwood%for%longer%than%natural%or% necessary.%i'm%not%taking%pictures.%i'm%not%going%to%take%pictures.%i'm%just%standing%here,%stupidly,%with% my%phone%half%out%of%my%pocket.%my%continued%presence%here%(a%single%man,%alone)%has%become%a%signal.% a%sign.%or%readable%as%such.%i%have%no%stroller,%no%starbucks%cup.%no%voucher,%no%alibi.%i%understand,%too% late,%i%am%no%longer%writing%this%story.%in%control%of%my%casting.%how%i%am%to%be%interpreted.%(was%i%ever?)%i% understand%i%am%vulnerable,%extremely,%to%this%young%man,%who's%assigned%me%@%who%continues%to%assign% me%@%a%particular%value.%a%particular%role.%i%am%@%have%become%@%everything.%doing%nothing.%simple.%like% passing%a%schoolyard%at%recess%(a%single%man,%alone),%catching%the%eye%of%every%teacher%and%vice%principal% present...%like%walking%the%streets%at%night%(a%single%man,%alone),%behind%a%woman%who%looks%over%her% shoulder%then%quickens%her%pace...%i%am%a%bottle%filling%up%with%other%people's%potentials,%a%blank%screen% onto%which%projections%can%be%projected.%none%of%them%true.%(right?)%i%hear%X's%voice%in%my%head:% % "be%careful%this%weekend."% % time%slows...%i%turn/tear%my%eyes%from%the%young%man's%back,%rake%the%woods%around%me/him/us.%i% wonder%who%else%might%be%here.%watching.%and%for%what%reason.%i%look%back%to%my%companion,%about%to% pivot,%begin%his%final%approach...% % looking%down,%i%notice%for%the%first%time%i%am%standing%at%a%fork%in%the%road.%literally.%to%my%right%is%the% path%i've%been%walking,%down%which%the%young%man%waits.%to%my%left%is%a%tiny%trail%going%off%at%a%diagonal,% an%unofficial%shortcut%back%to%the%playground%and%the%picnickers.%the%frisbee%throwers.%i%am%having%an% out@of@body%experience,%hovering%above%myself.%i%see%me%paused%on%this%path%in%these%woods%on%what% looks%like%a%film%set%and%none%of%it%feels%real.%but%it%is.%i%am%here%and%so%is%he.%others%might%be%too.%with%or% without%cameras.%if%the%former,%i%wonder%what%kind%of%scene%we're%gathered%here%to%film.%"could%be%a% sting%operation,"%i%think.%"a%saturday%afternoon%police%sweep,%the%young%man%a%plant."%this%is%what%occurs% to%me%as%i%will%myself%to%move...%left,%down%the%trail%toward%the%crowds/noise/traffic.%i%don't%look%back.% % as%i%step%from%dirt%onto%the%tar%of%a%jammed%parking%lot,%my%skin%is%tingling.%clammy.%my%heart%louder% than%it%should%be.%i%realize%i%am%afraid%(again).%over%and%over%i%think,%"easy."%to%find%yourself%(one%of%them)% on%the%"wrong"%path,%somewhere%you%never%imagined%you/he/we%would%be%when%you%woke%up%that% morning.%we%say%we%"picked%the%wrong%path"%and%"took%a%wrong%turn"%but%what%if%there%was%only%one% path?%and%no%turns?%one%second%it's%"right,"%the%next...% % "easy."%to%become%that%guy%who%was%arrested%for%fooling%around%in%a%public%park%while%children%played% nearby.%or%arrested%on%suspicion%of%fooling%around.%or%arrested%then%released%because%he%was%innocent% but%it%doesn't%matter%because%no%one's%going%to%believe%that%now.%it's%too%good%a%story.%we%know%how% (gay)%men%are...%

5% % "easy"%to%linger%too%long%and%find%yourself%compromised.%especially%if,%in%the%eyes%of%many,%you%are% already.%compromised.%you're%just%confirming%what%they%held%to%be%true.%long%after%the%charges%were% dropped%(assuming%they%were),%they'd%have%the%satisfaction%of%your%mug%shot%online,%available%for% downloading.%for%all%eternity.%guilty%is%as%guilty%does%and%here%@%this%is%what%guilty%looks%like.% % if%i%am%afraid%i%am%also,%i%realize,%tired.%of%making%choices.%of%having%to%manage%@%to%monitor%@%my%every% word%and%deed.%my%me@ness.%my%maleness.%(whatever%that%is.)%my%wholeness%and%my%splitness.%my% power,%my%promise.%my%weakness.%my%threat.%to%myself%and%others.%real%and%imagined.%every%day/all% day.%all%day/every%day.% % that%night%back%at%my%apt,%safe%(for%the%moment),%as%i%brushed%my%teeth%with%an%all@natural%toothpaste,% climbed%into%a%bed%freshly%made%with%soft%cotton%sheets,%i%thought,%"i%could%be%sitting%in%a%holding%cell% right%now,%waiting%to%hear%back%from%the%lawyer%i%don't%have."%and%was%chilled.%grateful%i%wasn't.% % when%i%bring%it%up%on%monday,%when%i%ask%him%why%he%said%what%he%said%when%i%got%out%of%the%car%the% friday%before,%X%says,%"oh,%it%was%nothing.%just...%all%of%a%sudden%i%got%this%sense%of%how%vulnerable%you% are.%walking%around%by%yourself.%anything%could%happen."% % anything.%% % anything.% % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % % written%11.2015% revised%02.2020%