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VISUAL GAGS, TRICKS, ONE LINERS AND ROUTINES TO MAKE YOU MEMORABLE! BY GRAHAM HEY

CONTENTS General One Liners..........................................................................................................4 One Hundred Pounds.....................................................................................................4 Hammer Time....................................................................................................................5 Chinese Fortune Cookie.................................................................................................6 One Liners – Towns.........................................................................................................7 Rubber Dove......................................................................................................................7 BBQ......................................................................................................................................8 Big Money Prizes..............................................................................................................9 Air Horn Sneeze (Nathan Kranzo)................................................................................9 One Liners – Fashion.....................................................................................................10 Party Popper....................................................................................................................11 Close-Up Party Popper..................................................................................................11 Pregnancy Testing Kit....................................................................................................12 PATEO Socks – Mel Mellers..........................................................................................12 Volunteers........................................................................................................................13 Restaurant Incident........................................................................................................14 Wallpaper Wonder.........................................................................................................14 Envelope...........................................................................................................................15 A Little Something..........................................................................................................15 Viagra & More..................................................................................................................16 Movie Star Mindreader (Trick/Routine).....................................................................16 Rubber Hammer 2.........................................................................................................19 A Fly In My Soup..............................................................................................................19 Shuffling Stuff..................................................................................................................20 Sniffer Dog (Trick/Routine)...........................................................................................21 Your Next Trick & More.................................................................................................23 Mindreading Chair (Mike McClean)............................................................................25 How Many Lovers (Trick/Routine)...............................................................................26 Bonus: Anti-Bullying Wristband...................................................................................27 Credits...............................................................................................................................28

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INTRODUCTION Hello and welcome to my new comedy ebook, The Comedy Climax! So, what can you expect to find inside my latest release? Well, there are lots of easyto-do visual gags, one-liners, ideas and tricks with routines which do not require sleightof-hand. A few of my favourite people have contributed too, so hopefully there’s a wide range of things for you to try, and use. Just adding a little bit of comedy here and there makes a big difference to audiences. It’s all about likeability – and if you can give them a few laughs along the way, they’ll like you even more! OK, that’s all for now. I hope you enjoy The Comedy Climax! Graham

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GENERAL ONE LINERS I just watched my first ever porn film. I can’t believe how young I looked! (Sam Avery) My grandad came round the other night, but after a brief struggle, we managed to get him sedated again… Anyone been using Zoom or Microsoft Teams to have meetings? Honestly, I’ve had more successful seances! I’ve just started internet dating. I decided to meet this woman who said she looked like Marilyn… and she did. Unfortunately, it was Marilyn Manson! I did a gig the other week and a guy in the front row threw several tomatoes at me. And let me tell you, those tins really hurt! I went to the doctor and said I get itching in a very strange place. Hull! (Mention a location which is near to where you are performing). I’ve recently donated my plasma to the local hospital. It’s not the same without my TV…

ONE HUNDRED POUNDS This is a quick thing to throw in when you are doing a close-up trick and attempting to find a card. Especially good when you are performing at a table to several people. It gets a laugh every single time… “If I can’t find your card, I am going to give you ONE HUNDRED POUNDS…” (This usually gets a few whoops and some applause) Then you add, “Of HIS money!” And then point to a man at the table who looks well-dressed. Everyone will laugh. Then add; “Oh, he can afford it, just look at him!!”

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HAMMER TIME You’ll need a table, a false hand, a sponge, real claw-hammer, rubber claw hammer and a stick of celery!! A quick silly trick for stand-up with a surprise ending! Show three items: A sponge, a claw-hammer and a stick of celery. Say, “In a moment you are going to select one of the following three items and once you have selected the item, you are going to smash it down on top of my fingers! I am going to try and influence you which one to select… hopefully it will be the celery!” Use your favourite method to force the hammer. Of course, your power to influence doesn’t work and the audience will laugh when they select the hammer. “However, I am a man of my word, and in a second I’d like you to smash the claw-hammer down on my fingers. Firstly, I’d just like to quickly read my insurance policy.” (Quickly read an official document). Then say, “Oh, and just in case you think the claw hammer isn’t real...” They are invited to pick it up… AND IT IS!!! As it is being examined, put your hand into your pocket and pick up a false hand and hold it from your sleeve. When you bring out your hand, try and make it look obviously FALSE! This will get laughs, as you protest, “Honestly, this is my real hand!!!” Finally admit that it’s false, and milk the laughs, “OK, OK it’s a false hand…” etc. At this point, make sure you take the REAL hammer from the spectator and balance it near the back of your table as if you’re moving it out of the way, as you recap what they have to do… then when you go to pick up the hammer, accidentally knock it off the back of the table and switch it for the rubber hammer and place your real hand onto the table. Hand the rubber hammer to the spectator (winking at them to go along with the switch). They’ll do it and then proceed to do some play acting as they smash it down on your fingers… “I always keep my word… but I’m afraid I have to end the show here as I urgently need to get to a hospital! You’ve been a lovely audience – most of you – goodnight!” *You could also just put the hammer away halfway through as if you were packing things away. And then say, “Oh, sorry, shall we carry on?” Then simply bring out the rubber claw-hammer. Easy.

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This is just a funny bit to do between tricks. You can do a short version, just force the hammer and have them come and smash your fingers. They will go along with the fake hammer – and if they don’t, the thing becomes even funnier. If they say, “This is a rubber hammer!” Then you can say, “Oh, so you want to break my fingers do you? Oh, why didn’t you say? I’ll just get the real claw-hammer shall I?” This will get laughs too…

CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIE

Here’s a hilarious little gag to use wherever you like during a close-up of stand-up show. You can even use it as a prediction for an effect. It’s easy to do and simple to set up. I have used these in comedy clubs and it is always popular. Here’s an example of how I use one: If a helper has been annoying or unhelpful then at the end of an effect, I ask him to select a Chinese Fortune Cookie from a bowl. He passes it to you, and you break it open onto HIS open palm – dropping in your palmed piece of paper as the cookie crumbles! He reads out the little note inside. It says: “I’ve been an annoying t*at and I’d like to apologise and give you £10” (or whatever you want to say!). It could just say: “Wanker!” Buy a bag of Fortune cookies (online or from a Chinese Supermarket). Look on YouTube and you’ll see how to remove the provided message and add your own. This opens up a whole world of opportunities and laughs! In the bowl for my example, there are no messages in ANY of the fortune cookies (I’d removed them!) While the spectator is choosing one, I casually put my hand into my pocket and finger palm the prediction which is already folded-up in my pocket. If you wanted to, you could just have one fortune cookie and give it to the person, saying: “I always like to give a Fortune Cookie to anyone who has helped me out, so here’s one for you – please read it out aloud so that everyone can hear!” Of course, you can have 2 or 3 different ones prepared. One for a sexy lady: inside it could say: “You’re an amazing magician and I’d love to have sex with you!” or for someone who is balding “Chinese Mystic say: Man with flesh coloured hair is amazing lover!”

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Use this idea however you wish. The possibilities are endless. …You could have a card trick go wrong. They then choose a Fortune Cookie and it says: “Mystic Dragon say Four of Clubs is your card!” Just a little bit of thought and this can be a regular part of your act and will get you laughs.

ONE LINERS

ABOUT TOWNS & WHERE YOU PERFORMED RECENTLY I always use the city of Hull as an example when I write about places. I have nothing against Hull, in fact the last time I was there it was fab-u-lous! Change the name of Hull to a place that doesn’t have a very good reputation, near to where you’re performing… I performed in Hull the other week. Hull, the town so nice they named it once! This Covid thing has been terrible hasn’t it? The government have recommended that everyone steer clear of Hull – it’s nothing to do with virus… just generally steer clear of Hull! (Change this to an undesirable place near to where you’re performing. I did a show in (name a nearby ‘rough’ area) It’s so rough that the window cleaner uses a sander!

RUBBER DOVE I seem to be drawn to rubber doves – I may have something wrong with me. The thing is, people love dove jokes too. Here’s another thing you can do with a rubber dove! For this you’ll need a rubber dove and a rubber mallet. Oh, and a silk hanky or something similar. You’ll also need a table. You can do this on stage or at a table where you’re doing close-up.

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“I’ve got some exciting news for you… (encourage them to clap), Yes, I’ve brought my real dove Trevor with me tonight! But he’s a bit shy, so I’m going to bring him out wrapped in a silk hanky until he gets used to you…” Reach into your pocket and bring out the “real” dove wrapped in a silk hanky. Use your fingers to make it look like he’s moving a bit, but this can be done in a corny way. Hold the dove on the table with one hand, while you pick up a mallet with your other hand. Say, “I’ve trained Trevor to be able to withstand pain!” Proceed to ham it up and bash Trevor with the mallet several times, hard. As people react, you say: “Don’t worry – it’s not real!!” And then add, “See, it’s a rubber mallet!!” (The joke being they think you mean the dove isn’t real). Then you pretend someone has said something to you: “Pardon, what? How’s Trevor?” Tentatively look under the silk. “Aww, he’s asleep!” And quickly put him away into your pocket as he is obviously ‘dead!’ A couple of real feathers falling from the silk hanky will also add to the impact! *Or when someone asks how he is, look under the silk, shake your head and say “He’s not good” and then without saying anything, throw him into a waste bin beside you, and continue as if nothing has happened! Or simply say, “Is there a dustbin nearby?”

BBQ At a table, pretend to be looking for your pack of cards… as you do so, say you’ve come straight from performing at a BBQ. As you say this bring out a selection of lamb chops, sausages and even a lamb skewer from your pockets! This is very funny. But don’t panic, you can buy all these fake things online from props4shows. co.uk as well as on Amazon & Ebay.

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BIG MONEY PRIZES “If I fail to find your card, I’m giving out big money prizes!” Fail with your trick and then hand out a giant-sized £50 note (Available from Amazon). “I’m a man of my word, so here’s some ‘big money!’”

AIR HORN SNEEZE BY NATHAN KRANZO

Nathan Kranzo. Why am I a huge fan of his? Because he’s a fabulous performer, and because of his likeability, he seems to be able to get away with anything, and his gags are great. Here’s a lovely gag to use for adults of kids. Take it away Nathan! This is great for any audience but especially kids. The gag is when I blow my nose it sounds like an air horn. I’ve used this for years and it’s very simple. I walk over to my case and reach in, pulling out a large handkerchief. I now lean over the case and blow my noise. My left hand holds the handkerchief over my face as my right hand (hidden from view) hits the air horn. You can have the horn either inside the case or behind it. They actually make small pocket size air horns so you can do it without the aid of your case. Just stand there and blow your nose with one hand while the other hand is in your pocket hitting the horn. I experimented with actually placing the horn inside the handkerchief but it’s way too loud. Not good to have it that close to your face. Why it’s funny: A LOUD bodily function! Kids LOVE this one and so do adults. The noise is unexpected and absurd. It’s just funny.

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ONE LINERS & COMMENTS

ABOUT PEOPLE’S WATCHES & JEWELLERY & FASHION SENSE It’s always nice to comment on what people are wearing, casually dropping in a gag as you perform: What brand of watch is that? Oh, it’s a “Repleeka” (pronounce ‘repleeka’ so that it DOESN’T SOUND like the word ‘replica’)…I don’t know that brand. Oh… replica… I used to have a Swiss watch like yours…only I used to look after mine… (hinting that theirs is not in a good condition). That’s lovely necklace… (examine it) Ooh, Claire’s Accessories… That’s a very bright tie… (without saying anything else, take out a pair of sunglasses and put them on, and then continue. This can be used with anyone who has a bright tie, shirt etc… I know where that shirt would look good… in 1972. (As you notice a lady’s jewellery). Did you know that the diamond is the secondhardest substance known to man? (they’ll ask you what the ‘hardest’ is) …and if you were wondering, the hardest substance know to man is my wife’s pastry! To a man with a small moustache: “That’s going to look great when it’s finished!” or “My wife’s is bigger than that!” What a lovely suit… I admire anyone who’ll wear something long enough until it comes back into fashion! (Mel Mellers) That dress really suits you… sir. I’d like someone to help me with my trick – the man over here who was in such a rush to get here he left his old clothes on…

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PARTY POPPER I’ve always loved the possibilities of doing gags with party poppers. Previously I wrote a visual gag for Mike McClean’s comedy act which went like this: “For my finale tonight, I had planned a pyrotechnical extravaganza and spent over £100,000 on a fantastic ending. Anyway, due to health & Safety requirements, I’ve had to scale it down a bit. So thank you and goodnight!” *At this point you pull a party popper. Nathan Kranzo sometimes uses a party popper at the end of his act. Then he says: “D’ya wanna see one more?” The crowd cheer (expecting one more trick…) and then he… pulls another party popper and leaves the stage! You can see this on YouTube if you do a search, and you can see the laughs for yourself.

CLOSE-UP PARTY POPPER Here’s another little idea for a party popper – for when you’re performing close-up magic. Chose a MAN to do this with. Spread the cards very quickly and tell the spectator to think of ANY card. They do this, then quickly click your fingers or do a magical gesture over the deck. Now give the spectator a party popper. Say “I want you to dramatically let off your party popper…” (pause) they do so, and you immediately say “…but only when you see your selected card!!!!” This gets a big laugh. Then add. “You were a bit premature… it’s a common problem with a lot of men your age…” Then add: “That was my last party popper… so I’ll show you something else…” Then move on to one of your actual effects. A quick little filler for between effects.

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PREGNANCY TESTING KIT If you have an old lady helping you out for a trick, ask if you can have their handbag for a few seconds as it’s the perfect way to get to know someone! You remove items, including a ‘pregnancy testing kit!’ (Have it palmed and pretend to bring it out). This always gets a great reaction! If the lady looks ‘well-to-do’ bring out some bingo tickets… these props can be in your jacket pocket which is facing away from the audience – and to be quite honest, even if the audience get a glimpse of you loading anything, it doesn’t make the piece any less funny. If you get a male volunteer, ask if you can quickly check his pockets to make sure that he’s not secretly recording your act! (As if!!!). Then proceed to bring out a bottle of Viagra tablets, or anything that will get a laugh… ladies tights etc…

PATEO SOCKS BY MEL MELLERS

This a fun, visual prediction effect involving socks. Unknown to the audience, the performer is wearing just one sock. A bunch of different socks are shown and eliminated in a very fair manner until one sock remains. And yes, the remaining sock is the perfect match to the one you are wearing! My preference is to use ten different socks. Importantly the socks must have a distinctive contrast from each other. Crazy fun designs work the best. Obviously one of the socks must match the sock you are wearing.  THE METHOD The entire scam is based on the PATEO force, made popular by Ken De Courcey. P.A.T.E.O stands for ‘pick any two eliminate one’. Essentially the spectator picks any two socks and you tell them which one to eliminate. You then pick two socks and the spectator tells you which one to eliminate. The PATEO force works by tracking the prediction sock. It always starts with the Spectator choosing two socks.

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If one of the socks is the prediction sock, then you tell them to eliminate the other one.  When you choose two socks you never choose the prediction sock, giving the spectator a free choice of a sock to be eliminated. It’s a force, but it really looks like a free and fair elimination. The trick is to keep it fast paced. A slightly frantic style helps sell the elimination procedure. FINAL PHASE When the elimination procedure is over, and you are left with one sock, it’s important to keep it visual. I like to stand on a chair holding on to the sock.  I slowly roll up the lower section of my trouser-leg to display the matching sock I’m wearing.  Thanks to Mel Mellers.

VOLUNTEERS “I need a volunteer”. Look into the audience where a few people have raised their hand and say, “No, sorry, I need an intelligent one!” Or, “No, I need one that looks reasonably normal!” I must point out here that you are not talking to anyone specifically, just in the general direction of a few people – so you aren’t going to insult anyone. (As you look out into the audience…) “I’m looking for a very attractive lady in her thirties or forties, who’s intelligent with a good sense of humour… it’ll save me going on a dating site! And I’m also looking for a volunteer to help me!” (To an older guy who comes up to help) “What’s that? Toilet? Can’t you just wait five minutes?” (To a gentleman) “Do you have little ones? And what about children?” “I used to have an outfit exactly like yours… but when it went out of fashion, I decided to get rid of mine…”

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RESTAURANT INCIDENT Tell your audience you were having a lovely time the other night at one of Gordon Ramsey’s restaurants until you found a hair in your food. Unfortunately, it was this one! BRING OUT A STUFFED HARE! *Yes, it’s corny, but will it get you a laugh? Definitely.

WALLPAPER WONDER I originally wrote this as a quirky gag to go between effects for Mike McClean’s comedy mentalism show. I’ve always liked the concept and now I’ve given it a little twist which gives it a little more impact than just a gag. Take out your box of playing cards and say, “I’m going to show you my favourite card trick in a minute, but first…” To a member of the audience: Hold up three pieces of patterned wallpaper and do your best impression of a serious mindreader! “Here I have 3 pieces of patterned wallpaper… I’d like you to really concentrate on each piece and then name which piece you find most appealing…” As soon as they name one, you say (changing your tone back to your normal self again), “Thanks for that, me and the wife couldn’t decide which one to decorate the lounge with. You’ve been a great help…” (This will get a laugh) and then you add: “Coincidentally, I knew you’d choose that piece…” You turn the chosen piece around and it says ‘You’ll chose this piece’ on the reverse. The other pieces have nothing written on the back of them! SECRET This is a multiple out ploy. Simple. SET UP When performing at a table, all you have to do simply take out a playing card box and place it onto the table as obviously you are going to be doing a card trick! On the back of the box, stick a duplicate square of one of the designs, and make sure this is facing the table. Inside the empty box place another one of the designs and

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the third ‘out’ is written on the back of one of the pieces of actual wallpaper, as mentioned in the description. If the spectator selects the one which has the writing on the back, then do as in the description above – there’s really nothing to do at all. If they select the one which you have on the back of the card box. Simply turn over the box to reveal it! Lastly, if they select the remaining piece, then you open the box and say, “Actually, I forgot to bring my cards with me, but I do have a piece of wallpaper in there which is the same as your free choice! This was the one me and my wife thought you’d chose! (Remember not to flash the underside of the box!). Everything ties together and there are no obvious outs, so this works really well as you then go into one of your more amazing tricks… but this gets you a laugh AND a reaction – and people seem to remember it as it’s so “stoopid!!!”

ENVELOPE Here’s a funny announcement to read out. You’ll need an A4 envelope for this… “Before I begin, the management has asked me to make an announcement… has anyone lost an envelope containing £5000 in cash?” Look to someone in the audience who has their hand raised. “Well you’ll be pleased to hear there’s some good news… someone’s handed in your envelope!”

A LITTLE SOMETHING After you’ve finished performing at a table, say, “Thank you so much for watching, and I’d like to leave you with a little something…. “ (Place the word “something” made out of small plastic letters on the table and leave!! You can get small letters – usually for kids – and stick them together using super-glue so that you have a small “something” which is 2 or 3 inches long. A nice little gag to finish! Leave it on the table and that’s it! Of course, you’ll need a few of these, but it’s worth it. And they hardly cost any money to buy.

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VIAGRA & MORE

Another little thing you can do is buy a few silly props such as body parts (try Wish. com). Have a few of these in your pockets. Pretend you need a pack of cards and can’t find them, so you empty your pockets… just getting out a few miscellaneous body parts and placing them on to the table (do this in a deadpan way – this is important). “My lodger never paid his rent!” or “That’s what happens when people don’t applaud!” etc etc. You could even bring out a large box of Viagra, some Haemorrhoid cream etc… I’m going to say this again: Do not smile or acknowledge the comedy at all, or it will ruin the effect on people. They’ll laugh as you say: “It’s here somewhere…” and continue to remove funny items. The joke is on YOU, which makes it even funnier. If you are playing to an “adult” group of people – and let’s face it, we all have and do! Then say: “I don’t usually get my trouser snake out at this time of the evening, but tonight I’m going to make an exception.” And proceed to remove a rubber snake from your trouser pocket and place it on to the table. Corny, yes. Does it get laughs – EVERYTIME!!

MOVIE STAR MINDREADER! This is a simple but cool effect for close-up or to do on Zoom! Here’s the effect, then I’ll talk about the comedy lines to add in at the end. EFFECT 7 cards, each with the name of a movie star are placed onto the table. The spectator is asked to name ANY card. Let’s say they name Johnny Depp. The Johnny Depp card is placed to one side. The magician says that “all these remaining cards must be mine…” He turns them all over and they all have the word ‘MINE’ on the backs. Then, the magician says: “You chose the Johnny Depp card, so that must be yours…” he turns it over and on the back of the selected card it says ‘YOURS!’ This is a self-working trick!

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SECRET The JIM CARREY card has 2 sticky strips on it (on the same side as the name). This sticky card makes the trick self-working! YOU’LL NEED 7 playing cards, all hearts (no picture cards), all with RED backs. Write seven movie star names, large on the backs of the cards with a sharpie. One name on each card, make them all men. I use: Johnny Depp, Matt Damon, Daniel Craig, Jim Carrey, Bruce Willis, Hugh Grant and Ryan Gosling. You can use any names you like, but I suggest you always use Jim Carrey as he’s very popular and a high percentage of people name him, which makes the effect even more amazing! SET UP: Write the names of the movie stars on the back of each card. On the front of the cards, write the word “MINE” on all of them EXCEPT on the Jim Carrey card. On this card, you write the word “YOURS!” Double-sided tape: Cut a very thin strip of double-sided tape and put a strip at each end of the Jim Carrey card (when landscape) – on the same side as his name. YOU’LL NEED TO PEEL THE DOUBLE-SIDED TAPE OFF THE JIM CARREY CARD, LEAVING IT STICKY AT EACH END. IT IS ALSO A GOOD IDEA TO TOUCH THE STICKY STRIPS A FEW TIMES TO LESSEN THE STICKY-NESS BEFORE YOU PERFORM FOR THE FIRST TIME! Place all the cards into a pile with the JIM CARREY card ON TOP. This is IMPORTANT!!! You’re now ready to begin! PERFORM: Take the seven cards and place them individually on the table, saying, “Here we have a selection of movie stars… If you could be ANY one of them, which would you be?” (If doing this for a lady, say: “If you could have a one-night sta… sorry, if you could go on a date with ANY of these, who would you choose?”). Once they have selected a movie star, this is what happens: If they select JIM CARREY, you say “OK, so Jim Carrey is YOURS and all the others are mine!” You proceed to turn over all the non-Jim Carrey cards first, and each one says MINE on the other side. You then say: “All those cards are MINE, and you chose this card, so

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this must be YOURS!” You turn it over and it says “YOURS!” on the back! Because Jim Carrey has such a great personality, lots of people choose him anyway, and if they do, then you just blow them away! If they select ANY OTHER CARD THAN THE JIM CARREY CARD, you say, “OK, so (name the selected card) is yours, and all the others are mine…” AS YOU SAY THIS, YOU MUST PICK UP THE SELECTED CARD FIRST, AND THEN THE JIM CARREY CARD SECOND, THEN THE OTHERS IN ANY ORDER, SO THAT THEY ARE IN A PILE. THE CHOSEN CARD WILL BE ON TOP, AND IT WILL STICK TO THE JIM CARREY CARD WHICH IS UNDERNEATH IT. COLLECT THE CARDS GENTLY, DO NOT PUT ANY PRESSURE ON THE TOP CARD UNTIL THE PILE IS ALL SQUARED UP PROPERLY OR IT WILL STICK AT AN ANGLE, WHICH IS NOT GOOD! As you do this, say, “What’s your favourite (selected movie star name) movie?” And while they think about this, it gives you the time to casually square up all the cards in your hand and then APPLY SOME PRESSURE ON THE TOP CARD. THIS MEANS IT WILL STICK FIRMLY TO THE JIM CARREY CARD! AND IT WILL LOOK LIKE A SINGLE CARD! Then you proceed by placing the selected card to one side, and turn over all the other cards to reveal that they all the word ‘MINE’ on the reverse. Then turn over their selected card and it says YOURS on the other side!!! NOTE: When I finally turn over their selected card, I drop it immediately on top of the others, just so that it hides any potential slight overlap if the cards haven’t been squared-up properly! This is a simple trick which has a BIG impact. You can change this effect to be anything you like: Favourite TV Shows, countries you’d like to visit, or an adult version would be sexual positions! In fact, I’m going to write this adult version right now, as I can just imagine the reaction when you perform this for an ‘open-minded’ fun couple! GAGS: using movie stars makes this relatively easy to add a few original gags. For example, when you show the Bruce Willis card: “I love Bruce Willis. I always wanted to see Armageddon… still, it’s not the end of the world!” “Johnny Depp has got had a lot of bad publicity hasn’t he? Well he deserves it because he’s done some bad, bad things. The worst being The Lone Ranger!”

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THE RUBBER HAMMER 2 This is one of my favourite close-up gags. If you’ve ever seen the movie: Team America, World Police, you’ll know what I’m talking about. All you’ll need for this is a rubber hammer you can buy in a joke shop or online. They are very realistic, which adds to the drama! The hammers from PropDog are INCREDIBLE! Have the rubber hammer hidden in your jacket somewhere. At a table where you are performing close-up magic say: “Last week I was performing for a group of people, and they gave me a tough time. So this week, I’m not taking any risks…” As you finish talking, take out the hammer and place it beside you on the table. Just look at people sitting at the table in a serious manner and gently nod your head! That’s all you have to do to get the guaranteed laugh. At the end of your spot, say, “Now, did you all enjoy that?” Whilst holding the hammer and slapping in into the palm of your other hand!

A FLY IN MY SOUP “I took my wife out to a restaurant and we were having a lovely time until I found a fly in my soup. Normally I wouldn’t have bothered, but it was this one!” Remove a GIANT fly from your jacket! You can get these from joke shops or online – they are called ‘Texas Houseflies’ and look great!

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SHUFFLING STUFF! When you approach a table, or wherever you happen to be doing close-up magic, at some point you might want to ask the spectator to shuffle the deck. Here are a few ideas to get laughs. Ask someone to shuffle the deck. Here, a man who looks really strong will help… Hand them a box of cards and ask them to shuffle it. The cards are ALL GLUED TOGETHER – which will mean they’ll find it impossible to make any progress! As people laugh at them, you can add, a comment or two: “So all those trips to the gym have been pointless then!” or “Don’t panic, I’ll order some steroids on line, if that will help?” Pretend to hand a lady an invisible deck of cards. Ask her to shuffle them. As she goes through the motions, look at her hand action and say, “I think I’ve been out with you!” (This adult comment gets a BIG laugh). “Please shuffle the cards so that they are properly mixed up. Give them a very thorough shuffle…” When they give them back to you, you say, “Oh, I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you to shuffle them or I’m never going to be able to find your card – would you mind shuffling them back into the same order?” “Before we do anything, I’d like you to shuffle the cards… Are the cards all different? It looks just like an ordinary deck?” They say ‘Yes’. “Oh, well in that case, I’ve given you the wrong deck!” “Please shuffle the cards, but when you do, try not to mix them up!” “You are now going to witness ‘THE TROUBLE-MAKER-SHUFFLE.’” Hand the deck to someone who has been giving you grief or who never stops talking etc. “Do you think it’s possible for someone to shuffle a pack of cards if they have been rammed up their backside?” (laughs from their friends), “Well, if you carry on interrupting me, we’ll soon find out!” Say this as a joke and you’ll win them over as you say, “No, seriously, would you help with something?” And proceed to do your next item.

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SNIFFER DOG (TRICK) Here’s a cool way to look like you have incredible sleight of hand skills, when you might not possess any! The actual effect is a classic by Gary Jones, the genius magician. I’ve added a comedy routine to give it a new twist. A spectator selects ANY card, and they replace it into the deck without you seeing it. You say that each card as its own scent – then sniff the deck and you ask them to name ANY number between 3 and 40. They say “19”. They deal to that card – and it’s their selected card! Then there’s an extra twist – you reveal you knew they were going to select that very card before they even began. Free choices, no sleight of hand. Gary’s effect is called ‘Almost ACAAN.’ SET UP 39 duplicate cards. On each card, in the same place, write someone’s name. Write the SAME name on all the cards. Best to use a biro for this. When you’ve done that, smudge the last letter of the name with your thumb. Later on, this simple thing will convince the spectator you have just achieved the impossible. These little details are what makes Gary Jones so good. From the top of the FACE DOWN deck, position the cards in this order: Any single indifferent card. Then the 39 duplicate cards. After the duplicates, use any 12 indifferent cards, amongst which should be the four aces. Write a few different signatures on some of the bottom cards – with different pens and in different styles. This is important. During the routine you can casually mention, “Don’t worry if you select a card which has a name on it, as I always get people to sign cards when I’m doing tricks for them…” EFFECT/ROUTINE: “Did you know that each playing card has a specific smell all of its own? Well they do! I’m going to hypnotise you and you’ll think that you’re a sniffer dog. That’s right, you’re going to be one of those sniffer dogs like they have at the airport”. Proceed to “hypnotise” them however you wish. “Look into my eyes…” etc. “By the way, my brother used to spend a lot of time at Heathrow airport stealing people’s possessions. His actual job title was ‘Baggage Handler’”.

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“Anyway, you are now the ultimate sniffer dog! Before we do this trick, we need to put your collar on”. (Place collar on your new sniffer dog). “Before we start, do you need to go for a walk? I have poo-bags!” (Hold up a poo bag!) “OK, in this little bottle (Show small bottle) I have the scent of a single playing card…” Ask the ‘sniffer dog’ to sniff the scent and then freely select ANY card. You spread out the cards and let’s say they select the 3 of Hearts. They then replace it into the deck without you seeing where. Do a false cut if you can do one. If you can’t, then look on YouTube and learn one, some are so easy!. You then ask them to sniff the side of the deck and reveal whereabouts they think their card is. “OK, how far down in the deck do you think your card is, just by sniffing the deck?” Ask them to give you a number between 3 and 40. “Anything less than three is too predictable and anything over 40 could take all day…” They say, for example, number 19. Now you can either hand them the deck and ask them to deal the cards face down and when they come to it, place the 19th card to one side, and place the rest back on top. (You can do this if you’d rather). You could ask them to stand while they do this, so then you can then say, “Now SIT! There’s a good boy… here’s a little treat!” etc – playing on the dog theme. Now, as a sort of afterthought, pick up the deck again and turn it face up (here will be the block of ordinary cards). Say: “You didn’t choose an ace, did you?” spread through a few of the bottom cards – this shows that they are all different. “Oh no, there they are – I always think they’re bad luck…” Now, they turn over their selected card, 19th down – AND IT’S THEIR CHOSEN CARD! THE THREE OF HEARTS. AND IT’S THEIR GENUINE CARD AS IT HAS THE SMUDGED SIGNATURE ON!! “Good boy!” give them another treat and a few strokes! You can even suggest tickling his tummy – he’ll probably like that! Finally, you reveal that you knew all along which card he would select. You ask them to open the little capsule fixed to their doggy collar – inside is a note which says, “Sniffer Dogs love the smell of the 3 of Hearts!” It’s a miracle!!! Finally, proceed to de-hypnotize them!

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TIP You could make this into a ‘bigger’ routine if you place some dog-ears on them and perhaps a collar. And throw in comments like: “Oh, he’s enjoying it – he’s wagging his tail!” And: “Here’s a doggie treat for being such a good boy!” or “He’s not looking very happy – has he been to the vets?” All silly lines to get you laughs around the table. And add gags: “I took my tortoise to the vets… but by the time we’d walked to the door from the car park it was closed!” *Thanks to Gary Jones for letting me use this outstanding trick. Check out his DVDs and ‘Life’s A Beach’ books. They are brilliant!

INTRODUCING YOUR NEXT TRICK & MORE ONE-LINERS The card trick I am going to show you has prevented me from being successful for years… I usually get people giving me money after this next trick, but if you want to give it me in advance, just fold it up and put it in this envelope! This next trick is very dangerous. Every time I’ve performed it so far, I’ve got beaten up. Would anyone like an autographed photo? I’ve got one of Philip Schofield, one of that woman off Strictly Come Dancing, and… (The joke being, they expected it to be a signed photo of you!). “If any people at this table are allergic to excitement – stay where you are. You’ll be OK while I perform!” “I was going to perform a trick with a gun and some live ammunition tonight… but after last night’s show I’ve decided to wait… until after the court case.”

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(Pretend to be a serious mindreader…) “I think there’s someone here tonight who needs to visit a dry-cleaners… I think it’s you!” (tap the person nearest to you). “Do you?” (They’ll answer ‘No’) You say: “Yes you do, I’ve just spilt my wine over your trouser leg!” (Again, doing the serious mindreader impression…). “Does anyone sitting at this table live near (name a nearby town)?” When someone answers ‘Yes’ - you say, “Great – is it possible for you to give me a lift home, because I came on the bus…” “Would you say you were predictable?” Whatever they answer, you say, “I knew you were going to say that!” “I have some news for you… I’ve just been asked to appear at the of the country’s most famous venues!” (milk the applause). “I’m defending a speeding ticket at the Old Bailey.” *The Old Bailey is the top court in the UK, just for anyone from overseas who doesn’t know. Change this to suit where you are!) “After a recent TV appearance, I’ve had to employ a couple of security guards… I was on the Antiques Roadshow trying to sell some old gags from my act.” “Would you like to see me break a World Record?” (cheers) “Great! I’m going to perform the world’s longest magic act. I’m aiming for 185 hours – are you with me??” “The good news is that my earnings have been such, that my accountant says I’ve almost made as much profit as a multinational company. Unfortunately, it’s Starbucks!” “My wife thinks that the more you spend on them at Xmas, the more you love them. Anyway, while I was in Poundland…” (Maybe Dollar Store in the US). “My grandad was arrested for breaking into a haberdashery. He was looking to line his pockets.” “My grandad is in hospital after he accidentally swallowed a 44- inch computer screen. He’s currently being monitored.” “My grandad went to see a psychologist without an appointment – he thinks he’s a tube of toothpaste. Anyway, they managed to squeeze him in.”

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“A study has revealed that men use over two hundred muscles when having sex” I didn’t realise it took that many muscles to use a computer!” “For the last six months I’ve been taking steroids to try and improve my 100-metre running time. I’ve seen no improvement at all. I’ve been staying in to play with my new breasts!” “I went to Waterstone’s Book shop as they had a 30% off sale. I bought ‘The Lion, The Witch, and.” “Tonight you have the chance to win the holiday of a lifetime! Have you ever been to Hull?” (A nice line to say as you begin a trick. Hull is good to mention if you are in the UK. Use a place which is NOT glamorous!).

THE MINDREADING CHAIR Thanks to top comedy mentalist Mike McClean for this. He uses it in all his cruise ship performances. With a prediction placed to one side, you have a lady on stage and show her a deck of cards which are all different. Ask her to point at any card and remember it. After a little by-play, ask her to say what was on the card. She’ll say, “I can’t remember”. This gets a huge laugh. You open the prediction which reads: “I can’t remember!” METHOD Use a Svengali deck. Make it yourself out of pieces of white card. On each indifferent piece write a popular phrase, such as: “Merry Xmas”, “Lovely weather”, etc. etc. On the short pieces write: “I can’t remember”. You’ll force this phrase. You get a big laugh, from little work. Result! You can also do this in close-up too. *An adult version for comedy clubs etc would have the phrase: “Oh fuck, I can’t remember!” which you then go on to predict!

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HOW MANY LOVERS? (AN EFFECT INCLUDING ADULT GAGS!)

Here’s an easy but very effective comedy mentalism effect. This is a variation of a very old effect. However, the method is so simple and clever that it’s completely overlooked. ROUTINE “Tonight ladies and gentlemen, some of you will be revealing very personal information, all for our entertainment! The question is this: How many lovers have you had? Let me just say, that I’ve had 37 lovers – and what a night that was! Four of you are going to truthfully write down the number of lovers you’d had on a piece of paper. While another member of the audience is going to lie… And I’m going to see if I can reveal which answer is the lie!” Proceed to hand out five pieces of paper and five identical biro pens to five members of the audience. Also give the fifth member a bag to place their paper into. The other spectators do the same and the last spectator shakes the bag to mix up all the pieces. “Audience members 1, 2, 3, and 4 please be totally honest. But audience member number 5, I want you to lie. But don’t write down 3000 or anything like that, as it would obviously be a lie unless you’re Rod Stewart! So, write a lie, but make it realistic.” “While you’re doing that, I must tell you that I had my first sexual experience at 11. And my second one at quarter-past… he was insatiable that headmaster!” They finish, put their pieces of paper into the bag and they are mixed up. You take the bag and can easily name which are true and which is a lie! SECRET Of the five pieces of paper, four are standard pieces of white paper, and the fifth piece is thin white card – this is the piece given to the person who’s writing down a lie! The rest is presentation. Select audience members who are not next to each other so no one will know there’s a difference in the thickness of the paper! The reveal is all down to your acting ability!

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Alternatively: You could ask people to truthfully write down the make of car they own and ask one person to lie about theirs, or you could also do this effect with pets names or virtually anything you can think of… parent’s names, favourite bands… you name it!

BONUS: THE ANTIBULLYING WRISTBAND

Here’s a funny gag from one of my earliest books. You MUST try this. “Do you like my new Anti-Bullying wristband? I didn’t buy it, I nicked it off a specky kid outside!” (Show your wristband as you say this…)

THE END

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Graham Hey has written comedy for the best part of thirty years for many top TV performers, magicians, mindreaders and cabaret artistes. In the 90’s he had his own comedy section in the Daily Star national newspaper where he had thousands of original jokes published. Also an also author for Chronos Publlishing, his first rom-com novel, Let’s Hear it for the Boy - about a struggling magician was released in 2019. His second novel, Confessions of an Invisible Man is set for release February 2021. Graham’s writing blog: funny-writer.com Twitter: @hey_graham Email: [email protected] OTHER BOOKS WRITTEN BY GRAHAM HEY INCLUDE: At That Funny Stage (2009) The Full English (2012) Comedy for Swingers (2014) Killer One Liners (compilation) (2015) The Comedy Cockpit (2017) Inside the Cage (2019) The Comedy Cosmonaut (2019)

THANKS TO: Phil Shaw, Mike McClean, Mel Mellers, Nathan Kranzo, Sam Avery and Gary Jones.

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